


Lost in the Sky

by Ohcaptainswanmycaptainswan



Series: Deleted scene song fics [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Mostly Canon Compliant, and needs to be slightly bent, and when i say slow burn i mean put the crockpot on low heat and grab your pesto, because yaz is gonna be doing some major pining, except where i have made the executive decision that canon is stupid, get ready for the slow burn, plus a whole multitude of others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-10 00:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17415704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohcaptainswanmycaptainswan/pseuds/Ohcaptainswanmycaptainswan
Summary: "By the way, we were never really properly introduced.” The woman stuck out one hand, leaving the other folded across her chest. “I’m the Doctor.”“The Doctor? Not a very alien sounding name. That sounds more like a spy cover name, like Q, or Bond,” said Yaz. The woma… Doctor laughed as Yaz took her hand. “Well, very nice to meet you, Doctor. I’m Yasmin Khan. But you can call me Yaz.”A series of extended and deleted scenes of how Yaz fell in love with the Doctor.





	1. Alive With the Beating of Young Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, look who's back! your local thasmin trash writer!  
> so as promised, i've been working on a bit of a longer fic. and this it!! y'all excited? like i said in the notes and summary, this is going to be a series of short scenes to make the entire season a little more, hmm how should i put it, GAY. so buckle in for the super slow slow burn, cause these shits aren't done making my life miserable with their obliviousness. ive tried to clearly indicate where each scene falls, but please let me know if it doesn't make sense. this is also going to be taking place in the same universe as my first fic, as per requests that i write a follow up. so guess what guys? directly because of your support, this thing happened. you don't need to read sleepovers in my bed for this to make sense, especially since this starts with episode one and that takes place in Rosa, but i guess if you want a sneak peek at what's coming, you can go read that (https://archiveofourown.org/works/17307422). 
> 
> like my other fics, this is super hella unbetaed, so have fun!!! enjoy!!
> 
> first chapter title Alive With the Beating of Young Hearts from Here I Am, by Bryan Adams

Yaz slammed her car door closed before banging her head against the steering wheel a few times. While she got on fairly well with most people at work, sometimes, they could just be so … _aggravating_.

 

“It’s the night shift in Sheffield, Yaz,” she mimicked. “Everything’s out of the ordinary. Stupid -” _bang_ “- bloody -” _bang_ “-men!” _beeeeeeeeep._

 

She shot back up with a jump, then sheepishly waved at an elderly couple walking in front of her car who had stopped when she blared her horn. They frowned suspiciously back at her before continuing on their way. Yaz fell back in her seat, exhausted.

 

It had been one hell of a weird day so far. First, those ladies who had to call the police because they had smashed each other’s cars up on purpose over _parking spaces_. Then, seeing Ryan Sinclair, who she hadn’t thought about in years, alongside that gourd-looking thing. And that woman…

 

She said she didn’t remember her name, but who can’t remember their own name? And the way she had just taken control… it reminded Yaz of the men in her life who took control because they thought they knew more than she did. Maybe this woman did know more about aliens than Yaz, and she did say that she had been a man thirty minutes ago, which explained her manners while simultaneously raising a whole host of other questions. But Yaz was the police officer. With a badge. And this woman couldn’t even remember her own name. Now that she was away from that woman, with her quick wits and uncanny eyes and inane comments and disarming smile, Yaz could finally think clearly. Should she just do what the woman said and keep this incident at the train quiet? Or should she report it?

 

A light flicked off in the building in front of her and Yaz shook herself out of her stupor. Turning her key in the ignition, Yaz put on her seatbelt and drove home quickly to change out of her police uniform. Then, heart in throat, she drove over to where she had dropped Grace, Ryan and the woman off.

 

After pulling into a parking spot, Yaz shifted her coat, fiddled with her keys, and double checked that her headlights were off. Finally, with nothing else to feasibly do in the car to put off the time when she would have to face that woman and Ryan again, she got out. Heart beating a faster tempo in her ears, she quickly knocked. Footsteps echoed in the hall, and suddenly, Grace had pulled the door open.

 

“Yaz, love, come in.”

 

“Thanks, Ryan’s nan,” she said, stepping through the doorway. “Is she around?”

 

“Yes, but hush,” said Grace, gesturing towards the living room.

 

“Hey, Yaz,” said Ryan, looking up from his tablet as she entered the kitchen. “Find out anything interesting?”

 

“Nah, you?”

 

“Not really, no.”

 

He turned back to his tablet, and Yaz took the opportunity to study him. Ryan had grown up a lot since she had last seen him, all arms and legs and ribs. With the light from his tablet reflecting off his face, he looked so adult that it was hard to see the boy he had once been.

 

“Ryan, love. She’s doing it again,” Grace called softly.

 

“Freaky,” he muttered.

 

“She’s doing what again?” asked Yaz. Ryan looked up from his tablet and gestured over to the couch in the living room. Curious, Yaz walked over, Ryan trailing slightly behind.

 

The woman lay on the couch in just her waistcoat and shirt, with the sleeves pushed around the elbows. Yaz took the opportunity to study her face: smooth, asleep, possibly around thirty years old, and quite honestly, very pretty. Then she jumped. On the woman’s exposed forearms, little flickers of gold light trailed and swirled beneath the surface of the skin. As Yaz watched, the trails travelled up her body, lighting the way through her white shirt, until it reached her face, casting it in an ethereal glow. As the light got brighter and brighter, the woman exhaled, a ball of the light drifting up from her lips as she did so.

 

“What the hell is that?” Yaz asked, eyes wide.

 

“Your guess is as good as ours,” Grace said. “But that’s not even the weirdest part.” Yaz turned to look at Grace, who gestured towards the woman’s bare arms. “I took her pulse. She has two of them.”

 

“Two what? Pulses?” Yaz said, slightly incredulous. Grace nodded. “How is that possible? And why is she asleep? She didn’t seem like the type of person to just nod off while others are working.”

 

“She stuck her finger up her nose and told us she was going to pass out in nineteen seconds,” Ryan informed her. “Then she collapsed. Nan and I decided to let her sleep, especially since Nan had just seen her literally fall out of the sky and into the train.”

 

Yaz shook her head. _Curiouser and curiouser._

 

 

 

 

 

 

“That was a really impressive jump you did back there.”

 

The woman looked over at Yaz as she came up to lean next to her on a police car. Siren lights flashed through the air as police officers combed the grounds, taking statements from Ryan and Graham. The lights played over the woman’s face, and Yaz suddenly fought the urge to laugh as she remembered the woman’s childish request to turn on Yaz’s sirens earlier in the day. Then she remembered those eerie lights under the woman’s skin as she slept, unaware of Yaz, Ryan and Grace staring at her.

 

Grace…

 

Drawing her weird, overlarge suit more snugly around her shoulders, the woman folded her arms and smiled at Yaz, whose stomach did a small flip.

 

“Thanks. Couldn’t have done it without your help though.”

 

“You’re welcome,” Yaz replied with a returning smile, knocking the other woman’s shoulder gently with her own. “So, what are you going to do now?”

 

The woman paused. Her eyes trailed after two medics walking past them, wheeling a stretcher with a body covered in a white sheet on it. The medics took it to a nearby ambulance and hoisted it up into the back, then shut the doors with a thunk that had a certain finality to it. Only after the medics walked away did she answer.

 

“Oh, I don’t know. Stick around for a couple of days, then off to find my TARDIS, I suppose. Keep traveling around.”

 

“Well if you ever want a job as a police officer in Sheffield, I’m sure we’d be glad to have someone who knows so much about aliens,” said Yaz, half hoping the woman would say yes. She didn’t know much about her, and hadn’t known her for long, but Yaz was sure of one thing; she did not want this insane woman to simply disappear from her life.

 

“Nah, not really the life for me,” said the woman with a smile. “But I thank you for the offer. By the way, we were never really properly introduced.” The woman stuck out one hand, leaving the other folded across her chest. “I’m the Doctor.”

 

“The Doctor? Not a very alien sounding name. That sounds more like a spy cover name, like Q, or Bond,” said Yaz. The woma… Doctor laughed as Yaz took her hand. “Well, very nice to meet you, Doctor. I’m Yasmin Khan. But you can call me Yaz.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys liked that! come at me with those kudos and comments, they give me joy in this harsh and unforgiving life.  
> again, this fic is mostly written, and what isn't written, i have an outline for what happens. BUT, with that being said, I'm down to take requests (esp if you want something in a later episode that i haven't actually written). i won't guarantee that i'll put it in if you request it, but im a people pleaser so chances are pretty good. requests are formally taken in the form of a comment here on ao3 or on my tumblr, valarmorghulis-butnottoday.
> 
> thanks for getting this far! y'all are the best and i love each and every one of you.


	2. Wendy, run away with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey! told y'all it would be a quick update. idk if i made this clear before, but each chapter corresponds to an episode. so chapter one was the season premiere, this is episode two, and so on and so forth, up til an additional epilogue. so 12 chapters in total, and just as an update, ive written seven and a half (depending on if i want to continue a chapter that ive already written. if not, then eight). the way ive been writing tho, im hoping to finish this before i have to go back to school on the 28th. wish me luck?
> 
> ill see y'all in another 2-3 days! and for now, enjoy :)
> 
> chapter title Wendy, run away with me from Somewhere in Neverland, by All Time Low

_What the hell is going on? What just happened to me? Where-_

“Oh, by the way, welcome to what is, I presume, your first alien planet.”

 

As the Doctor ran off, her coat flapping behind her, Yaz’s mind slowly processed those words. Alien. Okay, cool, she can do alien. Planet.

 

Okay, not so cool.

 

_Yup, totally freaking out right now._

 

“You okay, Yaz?” asked Ryan, hanging back a little as Graham hurried after the Doctor.

 

Yaz turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t know. How okay are you right now?”

 

“Yeah, fair,” he laughed. “Can you believe it, though? An actual alien planet. We’re so not in Kansas anymore. There’s three suns, how cool is that?!”

 

“I guess we’ve one upped Luke Skywalker and Tatooine, then.” Yaz grinned, spinning around to look at the vast desert surrounding them and the Doctor’s shrinking silhouette. “Come on, we should keep up.”

 

Ryan grinned back at her before taking off after the others, Yaz a step behind him.

 

“At least now we know that the Doctor really is an alien after all,” said Ryan as they caught up with Graham.

 

“Like you doubted that after you saw her jump from the crane,” said Graham. “What human could have done that?”

 

Ryan shot a look at Graham. “Yes, Graham. Whatever you say, Graham.”

 

Graham huffed, but let the conversation drop for the moment, leaving them to continue walking in silence. Sand shifted under their shoes as they continued to hike through the harsh heat, freeing Yaz’s mind to process what had just happened.

 

They had been in Sheffield.

 

They were not in Sheffield anymore.

 

They had been in space.

 

Real, proper outer space.

 

And now they were on an alien planet, with only the Doctor’s assurances that they would get home.

 

She really wanted to go home.

 

_…cool._

 

Although… Yaz couldn’t help but believe when the Doctor said she would bring them back to Earth. She must have been just as disoriented as Yaz was when they got unceremoniously dumped into space, but she took control. She knew what she was doing. She had successfully landed a crashing spaceship and kept Yaz from dying.

 

And quite honestly, the Doctor was the most incredible person she had ever met and Yaz couldn’t help feeling excited that she hadn’t had to say goodbye.

 

Yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Right, gang!” said the Doctor, suddenly jumping into motion. “Let’s do this. Sheffield, England, Earth. 2018. Off we go!”

 

The TARDIS banged around them, knocking Yaz, Ryan, and Graham sideways as a strange mechanical wheezing sounded through the room. The Doctor, amazingly, stayed mostly upright and continued to hunch over some buttons, her fingers dancing madly across them.

 

“Blimey, Doc,” said Graham as he picked himself up. “Is it always this bumpy?”

 

“New controls,” the Doctor responded. “Sorry guys, I’m usually a little more smooth at this. Don’t worry though, everything should be fine!”

 

“Should?” repeated Graham warily.

 

The Doctor ignored him. “Give us an hour, we’ll be back in Sheffield, you lot can hop off with my sincere apologies for this, and everything will be back to normal!”

 

Ryan walked around the room, staring at everything in awe before joining the Doctor next to the controls. The Doctor frowned as he reached out to touch a lever on the console and he guiltily snatched his hand back.

 

“So how big _is_ this place, Doctor?” he asked nonchalantly, although Yaz could tell he was itching to push a few buttons.

 

“Oh, big enough,” replied the Doctor absentmindedly. She turned to squint at something inside the controls, then, without looking, reached back out to slap Ryan’s hand back away from the buttons she had just abandoned.

 

“Hey!”

 

"What did I tell you about touching things?!"

 

“Doc, could you do something about the implants in our necks now?” asked Graham. “Still not the biggest fan of them.”

 

“Yes! Implants! Sorry, forgot about that for a bit,” said the Doctor as she straightened up. She gestured off into the depths of the TARDIS. “Take that corridor, third door on your right, second left, five rights, then straight ahead is the med center. There’ll be something to take that implant out.”

 

“…wait what?”

 

“Can I go too?” asked Ryan, wide eyed and innocent, although ruining the effect slightly by bouncing on his toes.

 

The Doctor squinted at him suspiciously. “Fine. Graham, keep an eye on him. Don’t let him wander off.”

 

Grinning wildly, Ryan darted off into the hall the Doctor had gestured to, Graham hurrying after him. As the footsteps faded, echoing a little too much for Yaz’s liking, she leaned up against a column, watching the Doctor pilot her ship.

 

“So, does that stuff happen often to you?”

 

“Does what stuff happen often to me?” the Doctor asked.

 

“Saving people’s lives, getting them off a desert planet, helping people win a race… you know, that stuff,” said Yaz.

 

“Ah, well, I help out where I can.” The Doctor looked at Yaz and grinned, a large, happy grin that took over her entire face and painted it with joy. Yaz couldn’t help returning it. Whenever the Doctor smiled, Yaz just felt warm. She had the type of contagious smile that could fill you up and let you fly alongside her, whisked away to impossible sites and places, never landing.

 

Suddenly, the TARDIS shook, throwing Yaz off balance again. The Doctor grabbed the monitor, and the moment was lost.

 

“We’re here,” announced the Doctor. “Huh. My estimate was off. Guess this new TARDIS just flies a lot faster!”

 

She bounded off to the doors. Yaz followed her, ignoring a sinking feeling in her chest.

 

“Sheffield!” The Doctor wrenched the door open and stuck her head out. “…nope.”

 

She slammed it shut and ran back to the controls. Curious, Yaz pulled it open again.

 

“Yaz, no!”

 

Heat blasted her face as a screaming ball of fire got closer and closer and-

 

Yaz slammed the door shut again.

 

“Sorry about that,” said the Doctor. “Sometimes I get stuff a little off. Promise, next time it’ll be Sheffield.”

 

Yaz laughed in delight. Somehow, she doubted that. But that was okay. That meant more time with the Doctor.

 

_I don’t think I want to go back to Kansas anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hush. let me reference the wizard of oz and star wars in peace.
> 
> wanna leave a kudos? wanna leave a comment? let me know what y'all think!


	3. But at least I've got you in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look! it's me again!  
> wait, wtf did i say it would be 2-3 days before i updated? oh no silly me. guess this is just your lucky day!  
> yeah, no i actually remembered that im going up to ohio for my cousin's bat mitzvah over the weekend and won't have access to a computer. im driving. its a seven hour drive. with potential snow fall. yay!! (please pray for me)  
> so anyway, long story short, i could either wait to post until after i got back orrrrrr be nice and post early. and since ive been really on top of writing this thing (i have three chapters plus minor edits left!!) i decided to post early!!  
> and this is the companion piece to my first fic, i hope it fulfills your dreams. you dont need to read it to understand whats going on, but if you havent ill tell you down there (if you want to read it, go do it now!!)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> yaz and the doctor share a bed. yaz wakes up spooning the doctor. its nauseatingly adorable. you're welcome.  
> chapter title obviously from sleepover by hayley kiyoko

“Feeling sleepy, Yaz?”

 

Yaz jumped out of her daydream back into the TARDIS to frown at Ryan, who had a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. Unfazed by the glare, Ryan leaned up next to her on the other side of one of the pillars before nodding at the Doctor, who was currently absorbed in the TARDIS controls.

 

“I bet if you ask nicely, she’ll join you in bed again.”

 

Yaz felt a blush crawl its way up her neck.

 

“Oh, shut up,” she mumbled, pushing him off her pillar. Laughing, he took a few mocking steps to balance out before returning to lean next to her again.

 

“Oh, come on, you two looked so cute snuggling. And I think she liked it too.”

 

“Oi. Shut. It,” she hissed, glancing over at the Doctor. As oblivious as ever, the Doctor was explaining something to Graham about artron energy with lots of hand waving, while presumably just confusing him more.

 

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Ryan wandered over to join the other two, leaving Yaz to observe from her perch and try not to think about how soft the Doctor’s chest had felt under her cheek.

 

 

 

“…Yaz? Earth to Yaz? Well, I say Earth. Not really Earth. Oh! Maybe I should say TARDIS. TARDIS to Yaz, come in.”

 

For the second time that day, Yaz pulled herself out of a daydream. This time, though, the Doctor’s face swam into view, a look of concern on her face as she leaned against the control console across from Yaz, hands stuffed in her pockets.

 

“You alright, Yaz?”

 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Yaz responded, keeping her gaze focused on the Doctor’s eyes and not her really comfortable chest. Her brilliant, greenish, brownish, wonderful eyes that….

 

_Stop it, Yaz. You’re leaving her soon. You’re just going to break your own heart._

 

“Graham and Ryan went to bed hours ago. You sure you’re not tired?”

 

“Nah. Besides, I like watching you fly the TARDIS.” Yaz shook her head, clenching her teeth to stifle a yawn.

 

Incredibly, though, the Doctor let the lie stand. Instead, she continued to search Yaz’s face. A memory of the Doctor, leaning up against a police car in almost this exact pose in her ratty, overlarge suit suddenly flashed through Yaz’s mind.

 

“You know, I did promise to get you home. I’m sorry it’s taken so long. I will get you there, though.”

 

“Really?” Yaz tried not to let disappointment color the word.

 

The Doctor held her hand to her chest. “Scout’s honor.”

 

Yaz laughed despite herself. “Isn’t that an American thing?”

 

“Well, we were just in America. Seems appropriate.” The Doctor’s eyes twinkled. Suddenly, she straightened up and held out her hand to Yaz. “Come on. Do you want to learn how to fly her?”

 

“I thought you said we weren’t allowed to touch anything,” said Yaz in surprise. “Besides, you sure that _you_ can fly her?”

 

“Oi, I’ll have you know I’m a great pilot,” the Doctor said indignantly. “The TARDIS is just being a little temperamental. Can’t imagine why, to be honest. And also, that was just for Ryan. He was way too excited to be in here.”

 

Laughing, Yaz accepted the Doctor’s hand. She knew this would be over soon. She knew the Doctor would run off into the sunset, and she would never see her again. But for now… well, for now, she let herself enjoy the moment alone with the Doctor.


	4. Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea, help me tie up the ends of a dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah ok hi i felt bad that the previous chapter was short so instead of leaving you with just 550 words i dumped another 2000 on you at the same time. youre welcome. also i really liked how this chapter turned out. but seriously tho, y'all aint getting shit until monday so make this last
> 
>  
> 
> chapter title from would you go with me by josh turner  
> yes, its a country song. im a rare farm gay. dont knock country, let me appropriate straight culture in peace thx

“We’re home!”

 

Yaz stepped out of the TARDIS, staring up at her building. Ryan and Graham quickly followed her. Shaking their heads in disbelief, all three paused to absorb the fact that after being dumped unceremoniously in space, having to hike across a desert alien planet, jumping from planet to planet, and running into _actual_ Rosa Parks, they were finally, _finally_ , home.  Yaz laughed in delight, feeling half in a dream from relief.

 

The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS, closing the door slightly behind her. “Aha! See? Told you I could do it.”

 

The dream shattered as she turned to face the Doctor. Leaning against the doorframe, the Doctor wouldn’t meet their eyes, instead opting to stare at a piece of ground by Ryan’s feet. Yaz felt a small twinge of sadness at the picture the Doctor made. The twinge deepened as she realized that this could be the last time she saw the Doctor.

 

“What are you going to do now, Doctor?” asked Yaz quickly, desperate to prolong the moment before she had to say goodbye.

 

“Ahh, you know,” replied the Doctor with none of her usual flair. “Back in the box. There’s loads to see.”

 

Ryan and Graham traded a look.

 

“What, by yourself?”

 

“Yup.” The Doctor popped the _p_ , as if to hide a slight tremor in her voice.

 

Dual emotions of pity that the Doctor would be by herself and happiness that the Doctor also seemed sad to see them go rose in Yaz’s throat, threatening to choke her. Before she could talk herself out of it, Yaz opened her mouth again.

 

“Do you want to come for tea at my place-”

 

“ _Yes_.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yaz darted into the hotel room, following the Doctor’s flapping coattails. While it probably was _not_ the smartest move to go running after a spider that had just kidnapped a fully grown, armed man, it seemed a lot better of an option than standing with her slightly shell-shocked mum who was slowly getting over the shock and totally about to start grilling her on the Doctor. And Yaz wasn’t sure she wanted to deal with that just yet. Or ever, really.

 

Besides, what would she even say? _Hey, Mum. This is Ryan, who I was best mates with when I was six, then never saw again despite going to the same schools and living within ten minutes of each other, and Graham, who watched his wife die while fighting a trophy-hunting alien. Oh, and this? This is the Doctor. Don’t worry, Mum, she may be a time travelling alien who crash landed in a broken train, accidently kidnapped us, dropped us into the vacuum of space without a spacesuit, got us temporarily stuck on a deadly alien planet, took us on a slight detour to 1955 America where I had to sneak into whites-only motels, then took a month to get us home before dropping us off thirty minutes after she kidnapped us, but she’s super friendly! I think she’s my best mate!_

The Doctor cautiously opened the door to the bathroom, looked around, then motioned Yaz in. Gingerly, Yaz walked in, keeping herself slightly behind the Doctor so as to not interfere with her scanning the destroyed room.

 

“Weird readings,” the Doctor mused as she stared at her sonic. Yaz still wasn’t quite sure how she could tell that without a screen to display the results but nodded anyway. The Doctor and her sonic hadn’t let her down so far.

 

“Doctor, how did a spider do all of this? And where is it?”

 

“Dunno. Good questions, though. As always.”

 

Heat rose in Yaz’s neck at the Doctor’s compliment. Silently, she thanked god that her dark complexion didn’t show blushes easily.

 

Unaware of Yaz’s internal crisis, the Doctor crept forward, intent on the shattered tub. Slowly, she knelt and lowered herself down headfirst into the cracks, leaving her legs on the steps to keep her balance.

 

The heat in her neck intensified as Yaz realized that this position forced into the air the Doctor’s (extremely well formed) a-

 

_Stop looking at your friend like that, you useless-_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Sorry, but who are you again? And how exactly do you know my daughter?”

 

Yaz groaned as she realized the Doctor had inadvertently put her right in the situation she had desperately wanted to avoid: her mum grilling her about the Doctor. And to make matters worse, Ryan and Graham weren’t even around to help redirect the conversation.

 

“That’s a bit of a long answer,” the Doctor responded, not looking up from her blueprints.

 

“Well, lucky for you, I’ve got time.” Najia folded her arms resolutely, strongly reminding Yaz of times during Yaz’s childhood when her mum thought her daughters had lied to her and demanded the truth. She’d always gotten it, too.

 

“But I haven’t. Not right now.” The Doctor finally looked up and stared back at Najia, completely unaffected by her stance.  A silent battle of wills sprang up between the two women, two unstoppable forces, each demanding her own way. The hair on Yaz’s arms stood up with the tension. Finally, something gave. Najia rocked back on her heels, slightly unsettled by the Doctor’s ancient gaze, and the Doctor glanced quickly at Yaz before returning to her papers. Yaz felt a slight flush begin again at the Doctor’s glance and prayed her mum had missed it.

 

“Are you two seeing each other?”

 

_Damn it_.

 

“Mum!” Yaz protested. She resolutely did not look at the Doctor, terrified her feelings were written across her face in a bold, bright blush, and tried desperately not to think of how she had woken up in that crappy Alabama motel. But the Doctor had finally paused, a look of confusion on her face.

 

 “I dunno. Are we?” The Doctor looked at Yaz for confirmation or denial, and suddenly, Yaz felt a strong sense of empathy and envy for bugs on pins in a collection. Surely, they were more comfortable on a single metal spike and displayed under glass than she, pinned both by her mother’s demanding glare and the Doctor’s baffled one, was.

 

“We’re friends,” she said in a tone she hoped would squash any more of her mother’s ideas. Firmly, she pushed down any lingering doubt or hope about that last word. “I owe the Doctor my life.”

 

The Doctor nodded, as if that settled it and turned back to her work while Yaz tried not to feel hurt that she had so readily accepted Yaz’s denial. Unfortunately, her mother still wasn’t finished.

 

“Aren’t you a little old to be hanging around my daughter?” Najia pressed. “How old are you? Thirty? Thirty-five?”

 

“Honestly, what is it with mothers demanding to know if I’m dating their daughter and how old am I?” the Doctor asked Yaz, clearly annoyed. “First Jackie, then Debbie Reynolds, now your mum -”

 

“Wait, hold on,” Najia interrupted. “Debbie Reynolds? How is that -”

 

“Not now, Mum,” Yaz said quickly. While she did want to hear _that_ story, she did not need her mum asking questions.

 

“Well, she still hasn’t answered the question. _Are_ you thirty-five?”

 

“Not exactly, no,” said the Doctor, turning back to her maps yet again.

 

“Well, then how old -”

 

“Mum! Can we please not do this now?” Yaz begged. “And especially not in front of him.” She pointed to Jack Robinson, who had been gleefully watching the exchange, unnoticed by everyone else.

 

“Oh no, I’m enjoying this,” he said, sardonically raising an eyebrow.

 

_At least someone is, you little prick._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yaz flexed her fingers on the steering wheel, wishing she had a knife to cut the tension in the air and let her breathe. The car was deathly silent, a mockery of the car she had driven the first night she met the Doctor. Then, the Doctor had been vocally worried. Now, she stared out the window behind Yaz at the passing scenery, her silent grief over the spider’s death filling the car, stifling any conversation that might have happened. Ryan and Graham, squeezed into the back seat with the Doctor, did not seem any more inclined to talk. Only her mother, sitting in the passenger seat, fidgeted slightly. Yaz could tell that Najia wanted to keep grilling the Doctor; every so often, she would turn slightly in her seat to look at the Doctor and open her mouth. And every time, she would instead close it and turn back to stare through the windshield. All in all, it was the longest fifteen minutes of Yaz’s life.

 

Finally, she pulled into a parking spot by her building. The Doctor leapt out of the car before anyone could say anything and started walking towards her TARDIS.

 

“Doctor!”

 

She turned around at Yaz, Ryan, and Graham’s call.

 

“Remember, don’t leave without saying goodbye. Yeah?” said Graham.

 

She smiled softly. “Yeah.”

 

As the Doctor walked away, hands in pockets, Yaz turned to her mum. “Do you mind giving us a mo?”

 

Najia thoughtfully closed the car door and surveyed Yaz. Glancing briefly at Ryan, Graham, and the Doctor’s disappearing form, she smiled. “I’ll see you inside, then.”

 

“I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to the Doctor,” said Ryan as Najia entered the building. “Feels wrong.”

 

“Suppose we have to, though,” said Yaz. “We’ve got lives here.”

 

“Yeah.” Ryan scuffed his shoe on the pavement. “Gonna miss her, though. She’s bloody brilliant, she is.”

 

“Yeah.” Yaz felt her heart resume its sink, coming to rest somewhere around her feet. “Graham? You alright?”

 

Graham frowned, looking from Yaz to Ryan. “What if we don’t have to?”

 

“What if we don’t have to what?” asked Ryan.

 

“Leave her. What if we don’t have to say goodbye?”

 

“Don’t be daft,” said Ryan. “The only reason we met her was a mistake. Why would she want us around? Also, like Yaz said, we have lives here. We can’t leave them.”

 

“Ryan, son -”

 

“Don’t call me son.”

 

“- think about it. What’s keeping you here? It’s not your job. I know you hate it. And your nan’s gone. There’s no one you have to take care of.” Graham’s eyes started to light up with excitement. “There’s nothing for me here. Just an empty, old house that reminds me of Grace. And the Doctor has shown us so many wonderful things… I want to see more.”

 

“What if she doesn’t want you to come with her?” said Ryan. “What if she wants to be on her own?”

 

“Ryan, no one who really wants to be alone would take a month to drop us off,” said Graham. “Much less stop along the way to show us all those amazing things. You saw the look on her face when Yaz asked her if she would be traveling alone. She’s called us her new best mates. _And_ she’s mentioned in passing that others have travelled with her. Why not us?”

 

Ryan shook his head, unwilling to admit Graham might be right. “Yaz? What do you reckon?”

 

Yaz’s heart started to rise back through her body. “I don’t want to leave her,” she admitted softly. “She’s shown us such amazing things, and I want more too. But what about my job? Ryan, you may not like your job, and Graham, you’re retired, but me… I’ve worked my ass off to get this far. How can I just quit now?”

 

Ryan laughed. “Yaz, you’re the best, but you’re really daft, aren’t you?”

 

“Oi!”

 

“There’s a solution for your job,” Ryan continued with a grin. “She has a bloody _time machine_.”

 

A matching grin unfurled over Yaz’s face as her heart soared. “You think she’d really take us with her?”

 

“Well, we can ask. And the worst she can say is no.” Graham laughed. “You lot in?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as an american, i agree with exactly two things from that portrayal of an american. one, dont say the trump word around me, i will also want to shoot something. two, i also highly enjoyed watching yaz get SUPER uncomfortable with her mom and the doctor. also, you can't tell me that carrie fisher and the doctor werent BFFs. i refuse to believe that. that's it
> 
> kudos and comments? let me know what y'all think!!


	5. Every day you fight like you're running out of time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeyyy guys! i survived driving to ohio arent yall proud of me? it was a close one tho, we got hit with like five inches of snow and the roads werent clear when we left so that was fun (not). it was also 15 degrees outside and i had to clear off the car. it sucked. but im back!! and with more thasmin for you, which, i suppose, is what yall are here for. its why im here.
> 
> some quick notes: ive updated the title of the fic. ive always had trouble naming things, so i named it really quickly when i posted it. but i was listening to yours, by russell dickerson on the drive up to ohio and it just fits so much better with this fic. i also hope yall have been listening to the songs that each chapter gets its name from, because i really do put a lot of effort into matching a song to a chapter.
> 
> chapter title from non-stop, from hamilton because the doctor referenced it so of fucking course i chose a lyric from the song she references. the song as a whole doesnt fit as well, but the lyric really does apply to the doctor.

Yaz swam to consciousness with a groan. A hazy, white ceiling hung above her, blinding her with its brilliance.

 

_Am I in heaven?_

 

_No. If I were in heaven, I doubt I’d feel like this._

 

“Astos! One of them’s awake!”

 

The soft call pierced through Yaz’s head, setting it spinning even more than it already was. She put a hand to it, surprised to find it all in one piece. This was bad. She felt like she had been used as a speaker at a rock concert, energy and waves pouring through her until her atoms could only barely retain their form and function.

 

_What was I drinking last night?_

 

No. Not drinking.

 

Bomb.

 

Sonic bomb.

 

Sonic.

 

_The Doctor._

 

“Yup, that’s right. We’re medical professionals. Not doctors, though, sorry.”

 

A male voice was speaking, his deep words shaking Yaz’s head back to pieces.

 

“Hey, hey. You need to stay with me. I need to ask you about your friend.”

 

“My… friend?” Yaz forced the words out, trying not to concentrate on how they sent daggers through her throat.

 

“Yeah. We need to know what she is.”

 

“Doctor?”

 

“Nope, still not a doctor. What species is she? She’s got two hearts, and we can’t find your med chips. You three are obviously human, but I’ve never seen anyone like her before.”

 

“Dunno.” Blessedly, the ceiling began to dim.

 

_Doctor…_

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You sure you’re okay for this, Doctor?” Yaz hovered anxiously at the Doctor’s shoulder as she slowly walked down the shaking ship corridor, holding the bomb aloft like it was a mix between the Holy Grail and a rabid dog.

 

“I’m fine, Yaz,” the Doctor said. Pain rippled across her face as she fought to keep from doubling over. “I have to be. Because you lot need me.”

 

“Doctor, you’re holding a _bomb_ ,” Yaz pointed out. “And you’re in pain. Couldn’t you at least let me hold it?”

 

“And risk you?” The Doctor flashed her a smile that still couldn’t hide her pain. “Nah, I’m good. Come on.”

 

Yaz opened her mouth to protest more but shut it instead as the Doctor came to her destination. Placing the bomb on the floor, the Doctor pulled out her sonic.

 

“Pick a number between one and a hundred.”

 

Yaz squinted suspiciously at the Doctor, sure that this was some kind of ruse to get her to stop nagging the Doctor to take it easy. “Fifty-one.”

 

“Pentagonal number. Interesting.” The Doctor pointed her sonic at the bomb. It lit up.

 

“Doctor,” said Yaz apprehensively. “Why did I have to pick a number?”

 

“Number of seconds ‘til the bomb goes off.” The Doctor urgently pushed Yaz up against the wall. “Moved it forward a bit.”

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

“Good number, fifty-one,” said the Doctor, now searching the corridors around them, her hair tickling Yaz's nose. In her horror, though, Yaz couldn’t even appreciate the fact that the Doctor had _pushed her against the wall_ because they were _going to die_. “Atomic number of antimony. Number of Federalist Papers written by Alexander Hamilton – love that show, I’ve seen all nine hundred casts. _How do you write like you're running out of time..._ ”

 

“Is now really the moment?” Yaz asked in disbelief, but the Doctor wasn’t listening.

 

“Come on, come on. Where is it?”

 

“Doctor?” said Yaz, trying desperately not to breathe in her hair. “You know, I’m really trusting you on this bomb thing. What exactly are you planning with it?”

 

“Think of the bomb as a piece of cheese. And the Pting as a mouse.”

 

“Yeah, a really big piece of cheese that’s about to blow us all up!”

 

“Well, not everything’s perfect. You could have picked a bigger number!” The Doctor whipped around to glare at her.

 

Angrily, Yaz opened her mouth to retort. The nerve of that woman! How dare she blame Yaz for picking that number when she hadn’t even told her anything? Then she realized the Doctor’s face was literally within an inch of her own, her body still pressed close, her lips open and soft, and if Yaz just leaned forward…

 

A scuffle sounded in one of the halls and the Doctor whirled around to face forward as Yaz fought down an abruptly heightened heartrate that had nothing to do with the bomb. Agonizingly slowly, the Pting ambled into view, chomping on a piece of metal. It lowered the remains as the ticking bomb caught its attention. The Doctor pushed Yaz further back into the wall as the Pting cautiously sniffed at the air, her body completely flush against Yaz’s. Yaz swallowed, hoping the Doctor put it down to nerves about the Pting and not the fact that Yaz could currently feel every curve and muscle in the Doctor’s back and her leg where it rested between Yaz’s…

 

_Ok, Yaz, right now is SO not the time to be slightly turned on._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hello, beautiful. Come here. Mummy’s here. Are you hurt? Did any mean men touch you?”

 

Yaz rolled her eyes at the Doctor, who was currently stroking the TARDIS doors and speaking to them softly.

 

“Do you want us to give you two a mo, Doc?” Graham said wryly. “Or can we get inside? I’m exhausted.”

 

The Doctor froze, as if remembering she had people with her, before shooting an annoyed look at Graham. He stood unabashed under her glare as Ryan stifled a laugh and Yaz fought to keep a studiously blank look on her face.

 

“Fine,” she said, her eyes still narrowed. “Come in.”

 

She pushed the doors open with a flourish and stepped inside, leaving the doors slightly ajar behind her.

 

“Ta very much, Doc,” said Graham as he followed her in. By the time Yaz and Ryan had joined them, the Doctor was already running around the central console.

 

“Right! Off we go, we’ve spent way too long there. Gonna get us in orbit over Scorpion 9, beautiful star, so I can do some repairs. Did you know that in the 51st century, Scorpion 9 -  _ahhh._ ”

 

“Doctor!”

 

Yaz, Ryan and Graham ran over to the Doctor. Doubled over in pain, the Doctor leaned on the TARDIS controls, trying to push herself upright again while waving off their concern.

 

“No, no, I’m fine, don’t worry about me,” she protested as Ryan put a hand on her shoulder. Wrapping an arm around her stomach, she pushed off against the TARDIS, only to come crashing into Ryan.

 

“You’re not fine, Doc, look at you,” said Graham in concern. “You should have said something before we left the hospital. Is it your echo-spleen or whatever the hell it’s called?”

 

“Doctor, you need to take it easy,” said Ryan as he steadied her. “You look like you’re about to drop.”

 

“Ectospleen, Graham. And no, we need to leave this planet. Can’t afford to leave the TARDIS on a junk planet for very long, couldn’t afford to stay in the hospital. I don’t trust this place, Ryan, I -” The Doctor suddenly stopped talking at a chirp from the TARDIS. Frowning, she shoved her finger up her nose. “Oh.”

 

“Doctor, I don’t like the sound of that,” said Ryan cautiously. “Last time you did that, you passed out.”

 

“Yup, good old reliable nose. Well, new reliable nose. Still not very old yet. By the way, someone needs to remind me to put some medical supplies in the control room. Seems stupid not to have them here. Oh! Right. Can you catch me again, Ryan? In three, two, one -” The Doctor’s eyes rolled up into her head as she dropped like a marionette with cut strings. Ryan darted forward, catching her beneath her arms an inch before she hit the ground.

 

“Woah! Blimey, she doesn’t look good,” said Ryan. “Yaz, can you help me get her to the med bay?”

 

“Yeah, course.” Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s feet. “Ready? Lift.”

 

Ryan heaved at her command. They started crab walking the Doctor towards the corridor she had pointed out so long ago, the first time they had ever set foot in the TARDIS, but Ryan only took a couple of steps before shuddering and freezing. Suddenly, both Ryan and the Doctor hit the ground with a sickening thump.

 

“Ryan!” Yaz placed the Doctor’s feet down gently before running over to check on them.

 

“You alright, son?” asked Graham as Ryan gingerly rolled out from under the Doctor.

 

“Yeah,” he muttered. “Damn dyspraxia. At least her head didn’t hit the ground.” He looked at Yaz, disgust with himself filling his eyes. “I don’t think I can make it to the med bay, Yaz.”

 

“Don’t worry about that, son. Does anyone know where the Doc’s room is?” asked Graham. “Maybe we can get her there.”

 

Graham looked expectantly at Yaz, but she shrugged. Why look at her? How should she know? It wasn’t like she and the Doctor had sleepovers. Ryan also shook his head, dejected.

 

“That’s alright, Graham,” said Yaz, thinking quickly. “My room’s just around the corner. We can put her there and get supplies from the med bay and wait for her to wake up. Here, Ryan, why don’t you take her feet?”

 

Ryan slowly picked himself off the floor, not meeting anyone’s eyes, then grabbed the Doctor’s feet. Throughout that episode, the Doctor hadn’t stirred and Yaz wasn’t sure whether she should be concerned about that. Deciding to worry about it later, Yaz wrapped her arms around the Doctor’s chest, and with Ryan’s help, started making her way down the hall to her room.

 

As they approached, Graham darted ahead, pushing open Yaz’s door, turning on the lights, and pulling the covers on the bed back. Gently, Yaz lowered her to the bed, taking extra care with her head before stepping back. All three of them paused, staring at the Doctor, lying so unnaturally still. Without her usual grin, her body looked small, shrunken. Defeated. Like she had run out of time. Only the slightest movement of her chest told Yaz that she was still alive.

 

“Medicine!” shouted Ryan, breaking the silence. With that, he shot out of the room as if determined to make up for his failure earlier.

 

“I should go with him,” said Graham quietly. “Make sure he doesn’t hurt hims… I mean, hurt the Doctor by grabbing the wrong stuff.”

 

Yaz nodded as he left, leaving her alone with the Doctor. She slowly lowered herself down to sit next to the Doctor, studying her face like she had done so many weeks ago when the Doctor had crashed into their lives. The Doctor’s hand lay across her stomach, and Yaz gently picked it up, holding it to her face, feeling like she was about to cry. Eyes sliding shut, Yaz imagined the Doctor in her bed in another scenario, not silent and still, but awake and laughing, caressing Yaz’s face gently.

 

Her eyes snapped back open. Filling with disgust for herself, Yaz dropped the Doctor’s hand back onto her stomach. Her friend, her best friend in the entire universe, was lying here, in pain and hurting, and all Yaz could do was indulge her own stupid, selfish crush. Pathetic.

 

Well, if she was going to be here, the least Yaz could do was make the Doctor a little more comfortable. Getting up, Yaz started pulling off the Doctor’s shoes, laying them neatly at the base of her bed as Ryan and Graham ran back in.

 

“I’ve got something,” Ryan said. “Dunno know if it’ll work, dunno what it even _is,_ but I think the TARDIS wanted us to use it so -” He pulled out a syringe and ripped the packaging off it. “Okay, it says to inject this where it hurts. So, is this a painkiller? Shit. Wish my nan was here. Do either of you know how to give a shot?”

 

Yaz shook her head.

 

“Give it here, son,” said Graham. “Don’t know much, but I reckon I’ve spent more time in a hospital than either of you.” He held up the syringe and flicked it before pushing gently on the plunger. “Gets the air out, see. Now, we should…” He blushed. “Yaz? Do you mind…?” He mimed lifting up his shirt. “Only… I reckon since you two are both girls, it’s not as -”

 

“Yup, got it, Graham,” Yaz interrupted. She did _not_ want to know how he was going to end that sentence. Carefully, she unclipped the Doctor’s suspenders from her pants before tenderly pulling her shirts out and lifting them up to just below her breasts.

 

Yaz guiltily tore her eyes away from the Doctor’s stomach as Graham sat next to her, wiped an alcohol swab over her skin and pinched her skin to create a tent. Gingerly, he pushed the needle into the skin and pulled back on the plunger slightly before injecting the liquid into the Doctor. All three humans held their breath, watching anxiously.

 

The Doctor sighed in her sleep, a little color returning to her cheeks. Yaz let out her own sigh in relief, echoed by Graham and Ryan.

 

“Right. That’s that,” said Graham, capping the needle and walking towards the door. “We should let her get some rest and hit the sack ourselves.”

 

“Yeah,” agreed Ryan, looking like a weight had lifted from his shoulders. He took a lingering stare at the Doctor’s face before turning and following Graham to the door. As Yaz lifted her blankets up to cover the Doctor, Ryan paused. “What are you going to do, Yaz?”

 

She frowned. “About what?”

 

“Sleeping. Are you gonna sleep with her?”

 

Yaz blushed. “No. I was gonna grab some clothes and crash on a couch in the library or something. She should sleep undisturbed. She needs that.”

 

“You should stay with her,” he said, gesturing to the Doctor. “Keep an eye on her.”

 

“No, I shouldn’t,” she said. She couldn’t. She turned away to riffle through her wardrobe, hoping he’d drop the subject.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Oh what?” Yaz demanded.

 

Ryan looked between the Doctor lying on the bed and Yaz with her head stuck in between her clothes. “You really like her, don’t you?”

 

“ _What?_ ” Yaz whipped her head out of the wardrobe to stare in disbelief at Ryan. “I don’t like her, I mean I do like her, she’s my friend, well, she’s more like my best mate and -”

 

Ryan held up a hand to stem the flow of words. “Have it your way, then.”

 

He left, leaving Yaz to gape at where he had been. How…?

 

“Yaz?”

 

“Doctor!” she gasped, dropping her armful of clothes on the floor and rushing over to the bed. Gently, she squeezed the Doctor’s hand in relief. “How do you feel?”

 

The Doctor gasped in pain, curling her free arm around her stomach. “Where…?”

 

“You’re in my room in the TARDIS,” Yaz said softly. “I was just getting some clean clothes then I was gonna go find a couch to sleep on. You should go back to sleep.”

 

The Doctor's eyes fluttered shut. Satisfied that the Doctor wasn’t going to argue, Yaz released her hand and made to get up from the bed. But the Doctor seized her hand again, preventing her from moving.

 

“Stay with me.”

 

Yaz swallowed heavily.

 

“Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some final notes: if i were yaz and the doctor pushed me against the wall like that, i would be hella turned on. and so would you. dont even deny it.   
> also, if youre wondering, yes, that actually is how you give a subq injection on the abdomen... on a lamb. or a dog. i dont know humans, man, i just like animals. if anyone with human experience tells me different, ill believe you. im still so concerned about the doctor, tho. like when did she stop hurting??? she was in so much pain. i just needed to let her cuddle yaz because we all know they both love it. thats it.
> 
> kudos and comments make my day. let me know what y'all thought!! next chapter will be up soon.


	6. How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it reaches way down deep and tears you inside out, til you're torn apart
> 
>  
> 
> two chapters in one day?? i know. im celebrating a) mlk day b) senator kamala harris announcing a run for president c) ive adulted and sent off a whole bunch of emails d) im so close to finishing this fic. enjoy!
> 
> chapter title from rent in rent, the musical

“Doctor!”

 

The Doctor’s horrified face was the last thing to disappear. Yaz ran forward as echoing cries of horror came from Graham and Ryan.

 

“ _Where is she?_ ” Yaz spun on the spot, hoping for a clue, a sign… anything. Something to prove that the Doctor had not just been assassinated in front of her eyes. While she stood there. Doing nothing.

 

“I don’t know!” Graham yelped.

 

Ryan picked up the transmat, turning it over in his hands. “She’s gone, Yaz. Just like in the forest.”

 

“Well, we need to go find her, we need to go look! Now!” Shock faded as desperation set in. Yaz took a running start towards the barn door, only to be caught and held by Ryan.

 

“Yaz, she could be anywhere,” he said quietly. “She could be on another planet by now. And by the time we catch up to her, _if_ we catch up to her, she could be -”

 

“Don’t say it, Ryan,” Yaz warned. “Don’t you dare.”

 

“Dead, Yaz.” He spat the word at her, unyieldingly. “She could be dead. Just like you’d be if you tried to fight those Thijarians by yourself.”

 

“No, no, she can’t be dead, she’s smart, she’ll find a way out of it.”

 

“Yaz, Ryan’s right,” Graham said gently. “There’s no way we could track her. It’s dark outside, and for all we know, more of those things could be wandering around.”

 

“But I don’t -”

 

“I doubt we could even find the TARDIS,” he continued resolutely, ignoring her protests. “Our best bet is to stay here and hope the Doctor can take care of herself. Besides, I don’t fancy telling her that you tried to rescue her, only to be killed in the process.”

 

Yaz took a deep breath, then freed herself from Ryan’s grip. “Fine. You two win. But at first light, before the wedding, I’m going to look for her.”

 

“We’ll be right behind you, Yaz,” said Ryan, giving her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze.

 

Yaz walked over to the table the Doctor had put her science equipment on, wondering if her experiments had anything to do with why the Thijarians had taken her. Frustrated, she kicked the table leg. The instruments shook as Yaz hopped backwards, her toe on fire.

 

Ryan lifted an eyebrow. “Happy?”

 

“No,” she muttered. She flung herself down on a hay bale, burying her face in her hands. “This is all my fault.”

 

“Yaz,” began Graham, but she cut him off with a glance. Sighing, he settled in next to her. “Guess tonight’s gonna be a long night.”

 

 

 

Sunlight shone through the cracks in the barn. Bleary eyed, Yaz struggled to keep her head up. She’d spent all night staring at the place the Doctor had disappeared. Waiting.

 

A warped sound echoed through the barn, depositing the Doctor exactly where she had been taken.

 

“Doctor!”

 

“Where have you been, Doc?” asked Graham. “You’ve been gone for ages. Yaz was about to burn this place down to look for you.”

 

Yaz glared at him, but the Doctor seemed not to notice they had even spoken. She simply stood there, loss and grief playing in her eyes. The way they had done when Grace died. The way they had done when Yaz asked about her family.

 

“We thought those assassins had killed you,” said Ryan quietly.

 

“They’re not assassins,” said the Doctor, finally looking at them. “At least, not anymore. I got it all wrong. Come on, I’ll tell you on the way.”

 

She strode out of the barn towards the house, coattails flapping behind her. Yaz stared after her, before running with Ryan and Graham to keep up.

 

“What do you mean, ‘anymore?’” said Graham as they hurried along in the Doctor’s wake. Suddenly, she stopped dead. Ryan crashed into Yaz at the abrupt stop, but the Doctor didn’t seem to care. The wind riffled through her hair, sending the short locks flying around her face as the Doctor gazed at the mountains in the background without truly seeing them.

 

“They witness death now. They’re just the historians of the lost,” she said to the wind. Ryan looked at Graham, who shrugged.

 

“But why stop being assassins? I mean, you said they were a really old species. Why stop killing people now? And if they didn’t kill the holy man, why are they still here?” Ryan asked.

 

The Doctor didn’t meet their eyes. “They are old. Almost as old as my people. But they’re the last, Ryan. The last Thijarians. Their entire planet, their people, are gone.”

 

A cloud moved across the morning sun, casting the Doctor’s face into shadow. Yaz shivered. An ancient, unnamed sorrow lived in her gaze, aging the Doctor, and for once, Yaz could believe that she had seen millennia pass by, dragging pain with the years and streaking it through her bright smile.

 

“And they’re here to remember Prem.”

 

“He’s going to die?” asked Graham. Color drained from his face. The Doctor simply nodded.

 

“But we can save him, right, Doctor?” Yaz grabbed her arm. “Doctor, now we know what’s going to happen, we can save him. And my nan and him can be happy.”

 

“ _No_.”

 

Yaz took a step back in shock at the venom in her voice, dropping the Doctor’s arm. But the Doctor turned to face her, seizing Yaz’s shoulders in a vice-like grip.

 

“Yaz, I told you. You’re messing with your own family history.” Her grip on Yaz tightened painfully, urgently. “This is a fixed point in time. If you want to be born, Prem has to die today. I can’t save him.”

 

“But you save so many people across time and space, why is he any different? What makes this day so special that you can’t do anything?” Yaz demanded.

 

“Normally, time is in flux. I can save a few people, here and there. But this?” The Doctor took a step closer as if to underscore her point. “I can see fixed points in time. If I try to alter them, bad things happen. I’m telling you, there’s nothing we can do.”

 

“Not even -”

 

“ _No_.” The Doctor half shouted the word. “Do you think this is easy for me? It’s killing me to walk away, to let him die. Yaz, if I change this, _you will never exist_. And I refuse to let that happen.”

 

Yaz stared wide-eyed at the Doctor, frozen in place. The Doctor’s chest heaved with emotion as she stared back, her grip on Yaz’s shoulders bruising.

 

“You lot going to stand there all day? Come on, Umbreen will kill me if we’re late.”

 

The shout rang out across the yard, shattering the tension. The Doctor released Yaz, taking a step back as Yaz shook herself back to the present.

 

“Yeah, we’re coming, mate,” Graham shouted back. Prem nodded and ducked back inside as the Doctor took a steadying breath.

 

“This is our last chance to leave before something happens that you lot don’t want to see,” said the Doctor quietly.

 

“I want to stay,” said Ryan quickly. “We owe it to Prem.”

 

“Yeah, I’m with him,” Graham chimed in.

 

The Doctor nodded, then turned to Yaz, a question in her eyes. Yaz echoed the Doctor’s breath.

 

“I want to stay. For my nan.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“This is your last chance to stop this, Umbreen. There’s still time for me to find you a nice, Muslim man.”

 

Umbreen rolled her eyes. “No, mum. I love Prem. I’m marrying him in a few minutes and there’s nothing that can stop us. We’re going to have a long, happy life together, and I wouldn’t want that with anyone else.”

 

As her great grandmother threw her hands up in the air in defeat, Yaz wiped a small tear away. Umbreen cast a quizzical look at her as she picked up a necklace of flowers.

 

“Are you alright?” she said, settling it over her head.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m alright,” said Yaz quickly. “I’m just happy for you, that’s all.”

 

Umbreen didn’t look entirely convinced by Yaz’s explanation, but she nodded, turning back to the mirror to finish settling her clothes. Yaz walked over to the table, where an array of flowers had been laid out, reaching out to stroke a yellow flower’s stem.

 

“She’s going to be fine, you know,” murmured a quiet voice in her ear. Out of the corner of her eye, Yaz saw the Doctor place a gentle hand over her shoulder. “She’s in love, and this is a happy moment for her.”

 

“But it’s going to be ruined,” Yaz said, just as quietly. “She’s never going to mention this to us. Ever.”

 

“And you’re wondering what’s the point of her being happy now if she’s going to be sad later.” The Doctor picked up the flower Yaz had touched, twirling it between her fingers. “The answer to that, of course, is because she’ll be sad later. Be happy for her. Let her have this moment.”

 

Yaz didn’t reply, her gaze focused on the flower spinning in the Doctor’s hand.

 

“Don’t forget, Yaz, she’s going to live a happy life,” continued the Doctor when she realized Yaz wasn’t going to answer. “It may not be the one she planned for herself at this moment, but it will be a good one. She’ll have your mother and your family. And she’ll have you.”

 

The Doctor smiled at her comfortingly before sweeping her hair behind her ear with the ear cuff and tucking the flower in. Almost immediately, the short blond hair sprang back out, knocking the flower to the ground. Yaz laughed as the Doctor made a noise of disgust.

 

“Here. Let me.”

 

Before she could talk herself out of it, Yaz picked up the flower. Tucking the Doctor’s hair behind her ear again, Yaz placed the flower in her hair gently, winding the stem through the Doctor’s ear cuff and hair to hold it in place.

 

“There. Perfect.” Yaz’s hand lingered on the Doctor’s hair before she remembered herself and snatched it back, the feel of the silken strands persisting on her fingers.

 

The Doctor flashed her a smile. “Your nani is going to be the luckiest person in the world.”

 

Yaz tilted her head. “Why?”

 

“Because she’s going to have you for a granddaughter.” The Doctor picked up another flower and offered it to Yaz. “Because you love her so much.”

 

Yaz’s heart skipped a beat as she took the flower, her hand brushing slightly against the Doctor’s. Willing her hands not to shake, she tucked it behind her own ear, mirroring what she had done for the Doctor.

 

“Perfect.” The Doctor studied her face. “Now, come on. Let’s go get Umbreen married.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so do you guys remember when i said i wasnt sure if i should continue a chapter? yeah, this is that chapter. this was the way i decided to leave it, but i was toying with the idea of continuing and writing a little less angsty scene when the doctor and yaz get those flowers in their hair. but i also like the angst and how well it relates to the chapter title. idk. thoughts?
> 
> seriously, tho, guys, thank you so much to everyone who has left kudos and comments on this thing so far. i don't have a beta, so that is really the only way i can get feedback on this thing and know what yall do and don't like. it also makes me feel warm and fuzzy if yall leave both a comment and a kudos, lets me know that people are actually reading this thing all the way through and not clicking on it and leaving again. even if yall just comment ahhhh and scream at me ill seriously stare at it, grinning like an idiot before screaming back at you. 
> 
> half way through the fic, now. i really think itll be done before the 28th, ive got two chapters left to write, and im so pumped for that. see yall soon!


	7. A flower that never fades in the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from He Mele No Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch

“Agatha Christie and a wasp?” repeated Ryan. “I swear, sometimes I think you’re just having us on, Doctor. There’s no way you’ve actually done everything you’ve said you’ve done.”

 

“Now, come on, Ryan,” said the Doctor as the panel swung shut. “Would I do that?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oi, that’s not fair. When have I ever exaggerated to you?”

 

Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Remember when you said you could get us to Sheffield within an hour?”

 

“…okay, fine.”

 

Yaz laughed, the sound strangely muffled by the small space. In the half-light let in by the panel, the Doctor turned to smile at them sheepishly.

 

“But I swear, I really did fight off a giant wasp with Agatha Christie. 1926. Donna and I had just wanted a tea party, and instead, we got a murder mystery, which really wasn’t our fault. We also may or may not have contributed to her going missing for a couple of days, but again, not our fault!”

 

“What is it with you and finding trouble wherever you go?” asked Ryan, amused.

 

“Proves my point about kicking the wasp nest,” Yaz added, grinning at Ryan in triumph. The Doctor rolled her eyes.

 

“Yes, fine, I tend to stir up trouble. Don’t like bullies, don’t like leaving mysteries unsolved. You two happy?”

 

“Only partially,” Ryan teased.

 

“Well, what will make you happy? We’ve got a long wait ahead of us,” said the Doctor. “Hope everyone’s comfy.”

 

Yaz shifted, her feet protesting at being on them all day without much of a break. She would have sat, but the tight space didn’t allow for it. Instead, it forced the three of them close. Very close. She could feel the Doctor’s breath ghosting over her face, the warmth of her body pushed alongside Yaz’s.

 

“Who’s Donna?” she asked, opting to lean in what she hoped was a casual way against the wall. To her disappointment, she could still feel the Doctor’s warmth.

 

“…what?”

 

“You said you and Donna had wanted a tea party. Who’s Donna?” repeated Yaz.

 

The Doctor paused, obviously caught off guard by the question. For a moment, panicked that she had asked too personal a question, Yaz thought she wouldn’t answer.

 

“Never mind, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to,” Yaz added quickly.

 

The Doctor shook her head. “No, it’s fine, just didn’t realize I hadn’t mentioned Donna before. Donna’s an old friend of mine, travelled with me for a bit.” A sad look flitted across the Doctor’s face, so quick Yaz almost didn’t register it. Instead, the Doctor grinned. “Just like you lot, really. I reckon you would have gotten on well with her.”

 

“Can we meet her?” asked Ryan, his curiosity obviously piqued over the Doctor’s mysterious past and old friend.

 

“No,” the Doctor said, a little shortly, taking Yaz aback. Perhaps realizing the curtness in her voice, the Doctor continued a little more gently. “She wouldn’t even recognize me now. I lost contact with her a while ago.”

 

“How’d you lose contact with someone if you have a space and time ship?” asked Ryan. Yaz tried to telepathically shout at him to drop the line of questioning, but, intent on the tidbits of information, Ryan missed the hint. Luckily, the Doctor laughed.

 

“Well, you should talk! You and Yaz went to the same school, in the same city. How did you two lose contact for thirteen years?”

 

Ryan shrugged. “Big school.”

 

The Doctor nodded as if that settled it, then fidgeted in place. “Blimey, this place is small with three people.”

 

“Yeah. For such a huge warehouse, you’d think they’d have bigger alcoves for people to sneak into and hide. They should be more considerate of us,” grumbled Yaz, wringing a chuckle out of the Doctor. Her fidgeting had moved her closer to Yaz, pushed up against the wall even more as the Doctor tried to get comfortable. Unfortunately, Yaz could now feel the Doctor’s entire right side pushed against her left, their hands brushing.

 

Ryan grinned at her evilly. “Comfortable, Yaz?”

 

She stuck her tongue out at him, unwilling to rise to his taunt. Especially not with the Doctor standing right there.

 

“Well, I am,” said the Doctor brightly when Yaz didn’t respond. “Hanging out with two out of three of my fam, what’s not to love? Be nice too if the whole fam was here, but this is brilliant.”

 

At the Doctor’s mention of a whole family, Dan’s face flashed through Yaz’s mind. Slipping her right hand into her pocket, she clenched the necklace his daughter had made for him in her hand. His daughter would never have a complete family again.

 

“You alright, Yaz?” asked the Doctor quietly. “You got sad, all of a sudden.”

 

Yaz let the chain run through her fingers, tangling them up. “Doctor. Promise me you’ll make sure no one else dies.”

 

“Yaz, we’re here to help,” said the Doctor, gently taking Yaz’s other hand and squeezing it. “Of course that means I’m not going to let people die. I’ll do everything in my power to keep that from happening, just like always. You know that.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Doctor. Can I make a request?”

 

“Always.”

 

The Doctor’s soft voice comforted Yaz, giving her the courage to pull Dan’s necklace out of her pocket. Even after losing Charlie and Kira, the Doctor still cared, wanting to spare her friends more pain.

 

“I want to return this to Dan’s daughter,” she said quietly. The Doctor straightened up from the controls of the TARDIS and placed a hand on Yaz’s shoulder, the touch sending calmness radiating throughout Yaz’s body, helping to banish grief and guilt. “I wouldn’t be alive if it hadn’t been for him switching with me. He saved my life, and his daughter should know that her dad was a hero.”

 

The Doctor nodded and walked back to the controls, plugging in the destination. Yaz took a shuddering breath as the TARDIS took off with its familiar whirring, grief and guilt pouring back in her body. And all too soon, they had landed.

 

Yaz paused at the doors, hand shaking as she placed it on the handle, unable to bring herself to open the door and face one half of a broken family.

 

“Do you want company?” came a soft voice at her shoulder. The Doctor hovered there, uncertainty and determination painting her face.

 

“Yeah, you don’t have to do it alone,” added Ryan from the central platform.

 

“We’re here for you, Yaz,” said Graham.

 

Never before had the Doctor’s affectionate, weird term, _fam_ , felt so right. Staring back at them, Yaz knew; this crazy, wonderful, insane group was her family. Ryan, the annoying, loving brother she’d never had. Graham, the caring, protective grandfather. And the Doctor… well, the Doctor was the Doctor. Yaz’s feelings for her were too complicated to define. It wasn't a crush. Not any more, at least. She knew she loved her. And the Doctor loved her back, whether as a friend, as a sister, or as something more, Yaz didn’t know. But whatever the Doctor’s exact feelings towards her, Yaz knew she would always be there to catch her if she fell.

 

“No. I need to do this alone.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three hours later, Yaz slipped back through the TARDIS doors, wearily leaning on them as they closed behind her. Her mind replayed the conversation she had just had with Dan’s family, heart breaking more as she swallowed back tears.

 

“Yaz?”

 

The Doctor stood on the steps in front of her, hands deep in her pockets. Graham and Ryan had disappeared, leaving the two of them alone in the room.

 

“Doctor, can I make another request?”

 

The Doctor walked down the steps, joining Yaz at the doors. “Always.”

 

Yaz blinked heavily. “Can I have a hug?”

 

Wordlessly, the Doctor gazed at her, an unreadable weight and warmth in her eyes, before nodding. Tenderly, she enfolded Yaz into her arms, wrapping one around Yaz’s waist as her other hand came to cradle the back of Yaz’s head.  Yaz snaked her own arms around the Doctor’s waist, squeezing as she buried her face into the crook of the Doctor’s neck. Away from prying eyes, Yaz felt a tear drop from her eye, absorbed into the Doctor’s warm skin. As the tears began to come faster, the Doctor ran her fingers comfortingly through Yaz’s hair, allowing Yaz to do something she would have never let herself do before she met the Doctor.

 

She let herself fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, im still confused about how yaz and ryan lost contact if they lived in the same city and presumably went to the same school. unless theres some aspect of the british school system that im unaware of, which is entirely possible.
> 
> hope you guys liked that. i know this chapter definitely wasn't as heavy on yaz's feelings so much as it was more exploring the friendship between the doctor and yaz, which i think doesn't get discussed as much as it should. the show tends to focus on the doctor's characterization and not so much on how the friendship builds. and fics tend to focus on yaz being a gay disaster. but ive always felt that the best relationships are built on friendship, and i wanted to explore that aspect of it too. also, this episode didn't lend itself as well to romance. it was much more about the importance of understanding your actions, which is a core piece of friendship. also, the doctor brought up an episode with donna. and quite honestly, donna was one of my favorite companions, because the show actually showed how much her friendship meant to the doctor and how much his friendship meant to donna. i still cry when i think about how the doctor had to leave her.  
> what did you guys think? let me know!
> 
> anyway. some updates: ive got a half chapter left to write and some edits, so i can say with reasonable confidence that you'll be getting a chapter a day until this fic finishes. i can't believe im actually so close to finishing, this has been a really good process for me and your support and comments have really lifted me up.  
> i'll see you guys tomorrow!


	8. Try living in a woman's world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from woman's world by little mix  
> because the doctor canonically likes little mix and fuck king james, that's why

“King James. Seriously?”

 

The Doctor huffed in annoyance at the name as they ran down the steps of the mansion. “Yup. Don’t like him.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“He’s rude! And patronizing. All because I’m a woman now.” The Doctor shook her head. “Kept going on about how nosy and flighty I am. Never had to put up with this when I was a man. Is it like this for all women?”

 

“Pretty much,” said Yaz. “I get a lot of men on the job thinking that because I’m a girl, I’m not a good police officer. They don’t respect me when I tell them to do something.”

 

“So how do you deal with it?” asked the Doctor. She stopped her headlong dash down the hill, skidding to a halt as she considered Yaz’s words.

 

Yaz shrugged. “I work harder, ignore them as much as possible. It’s not easy, especially since I know that higher ups don’t really care about them patronizing me. But I guess the best way to prove them wrong is to know your own worth, stand up when they tell you to sit down, and get the job done and do it well.”

 

“Hmph. Suppose you’re right. I mean, I’ve only been dealing with this for the past couple of months, and you’ve been dealing with it for years. Still don’t like King James, though.”

 

Yaz laughed. “No one likes those types. Has he cat called you? Those are the absolute worst.”

 

The Doctor shook her head. “Don’t think I’m his type.” She grimaced at Yaz’s raised eyebrow. “He seemed to like Ryan a lot, though.”

 

“ _Really_ ,” Yaz said, interest suddenly piqued.

 

“Yeah. Hope Ryan has better sense than that, though. He can do so much better. What’s that grin for?”

 

“Nothing,” Yaz said, hastily wiping it off her face.

 

The Doctor gave her a strange look. “Come on, we need to go deal with that mud.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So… King James seems to like you a lot. What do you have to say for yourself, young man?”

 

Ryan’s mouth dropped open as Yaz sidled up to him, the forest around them eerily silent.

 

“Yaz! You really think I like that guy?”

 

“I don’t know, you don’t seem to protest much when he runs to you for protection,” she said slyly. She pitched her voice to imitate King James’s absurd warble. “Oh noooooo, Ryan, witchcraft, _save me_.”

 

“Oi, you two, hush up,” called Graham softly. “There’s alien mud infested bodies walking around here with a big axe, and you two want to have a row about Ryan’s love life?”

 

“Yeah, Yaz, grow up.” Ryan stuck his tongue out at her. “Besides, if we’re going to have a row about love lives, we should discuss you and the Doctor.”

 

“ _Ryan_ ,” she hissed, throwing a look at Graham’s back.

 

“Oh, don’t worry about me finding out, Yaz,” said Graham as he searched the forest floor. “It’s painfully obvious you like her. I’ve suspected ever since that motel in Alabama. You confirmed it when we went to visit your nan. Question is, are you ever actually going to do anything about it?”

 

Yaz stopped dead, gaping at him. “Weren’t you just the one scolding us for not concentrating on finding these aliens?”

 

“I can multitask,” Graham responded as Ryan grinned evilly. “You gonna answer the question?”

 

“Does everyone know?” grumbled Yaz.

 

“Nah, I reckon just us,” said Ryan. “The Doctor’s brilliant, but I don’t think she’d realize you have feelings for her.”

 

“Exactly. Which is why you need to make the first move,” added Graham. “So, again, back to the question. Are you going to tell her?”

 

Yaz kicked at a pile of leaves, sending them flying through the air. “How can I? What if she doesn’t feel the same way? She might not want to travel with us anymore. I can’t destroy what we have.”

 

“How do you know she doesn’t feel the same way?” asked Graham.

 

Yaz grabbed his arm. “What do you mean? Has she said something?”

 

“Not exactly, no,” said Graham, raising an eyebrow at her tight grip. Sheepishly, Yaz let go. “Ta very much. She’s hard to read, the Doc. Talks a lot, but never says anything, keeps stuff close to her chest, and all that. But I reckon you’re definitely her favorite. She’s always splitting us up so that Ryan and I are together and the two of you are together.”

 

“I don’t think that means anything, Graham,” said Yaz, a little disappointed. “I think she’s just been trying to get you two to bond.”

 

Ryan and Graham exchanged a look.

 

“Still doesn’t mean that she doesn’t enjoy spending more alone time with you,” said Ryan. “Two birds, one stone, and all that.”

 

Shrugging, Yaz stuffed her hands in her jacket pockets, walking forward along the path the creatures might have taken. The conversation had gotten a little too personal and was keeping them from helping the Doctor figure out what that mud was up to. The faint sound of a bell rang through the air.

 

“Yaz, all we’re saying is that you don’t know how the Doctor feels about you,” said Graham gently. “She could feel the same way. She could not. But I doubt she’d kick us out of the TARDIS because you liked her in a more than friendly way. And… Yaz, you don’t want to have any regrets. Take it from me. I would have regretted it if I hadn’t asked Grace out, even though we both thought I only had a few months to live. So I did, and I got the three best years of my life. And the stuff we’re doing with the Doc, it’s dangerous. She warned us that something might happen to us. But something also might happen to her.” He put a hand on her shoulder, stopping her from walking away from him. “Don’t keep it from her because you’re scared and end up missing out on what could happen if she feels the same. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

 

Speechless, Yaz hung her head, Graham’s words rattling through her mind. Maybe he did have a point. Maybe talking to the Doctor about this would turn out okay. But just as likely, the Doctor could tell her she didn’t even like girls romantically, giving her an understanding, sympathetic look to let her down easily. That dreaded _ohhhh_ of straight girls. Or even worse, the Doctor could like girls. But just not Yaz. Yaz wasn’t sure what she would even do. Maybe just curl up somewhere and die, let that bell ring out her last breaths. The bell…

 

 She frowned. “Does anyone else hear that bell?”

 

Ryan cocked his head. “Sounds like that bell for the witch trial.”

 

“Hang on, though, the Doctor wouldn’t let anyone else be ducked,” said Graham. “Unless…”

 

Yaz’s stomach dropped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Head pounding, Yaz blinked. A light mist fell from the sky, coating her face, stinging her throbbing eyes. Groaning, she slowly rolled off her back onto her elbows and knees, head hanging low, and tried her hardest not to throw up her lunch.

 

A pair of feet appeared in the corner of her eye, a hand gently touching her shoulder as someone squatted down next to her.

 

“You alright, Yaz?” the Doctor asked.

 

Yaz choked down some bile before answering. “I think so? God, what happened?”

 

“The Morax knocked us out.” The Doctor chuckled sardonically. “Worst hangover of my life, how about you?”

 

“Same.” Gingerly, Yaz pushed herself off of her hands. The Doctor helped steady her as she successfully pulled herself up into a kneeling position. “How’s everyone else?”

 

“It’s just you and me awake right now. But King James is gone.”

 

Yaz frowned. “Should we try to find him?”

 

“Suppose we should. If we must. But let’s help get you up first.”

 

The Doctor got to her feet and offered a hand to Yaz. Head still spinning, Yaz took it and let the Doctor pull her to her feet, keeping her free hand on the Doctor’s other arm to steady herself. A wave of nausea swept through her, and Yaz stumbled into the Doctor.

 

“Woah, Yaz, you alright?” the Doctor asked again, catching her before she fell again. Yaz looked at the Doctor, then threw her arms around her neck, pulling the Doctor close.

 

“Yeah,” she mumbled into her neck. “I thought you were going to die.”

 

“Me? Nah. Takes more than a small drowning and a ducking stool to get rid of me,” the Doctor said, patting her gently on the back.

 

Yaz laughed then pulled back. As she did, a shiver wracked the Doctor’s body and Yaz noticed the front of her jacket had gotten damp when she hugged the Doctor.

 

“You’re soaked!” Yaz ran her hands up and down the Doctor’s arms, trying to rub some warmth into them. “Where’s your coat?”

 

“Still over by the lake,” the Doctor responded, jerking her head in the lake’s general direction. “Haven’t gotten around to putting it back on.”

 

Yaz shook her head in disbelief. “Well, what are you waiting for? You need to warm up, you’re frozen.”

 

The Doctor shrugged, then pulled Yaz back in. “You’re warm.”

 

“Doctor…” Yaz’s brain short circuited as the Doctor pressed more fully against her, shivering, burying her cold nose into the crook of Yaz’s neck, using Yaz’s body heat to warm herself up. Graham’s words from earlier echoed through her mind.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I…”

 

But before Yaz could say any more, another person groaned and the Doctor pulled back from the hug, suddenly all business again.

 

“Yaz, could you help get everyone else up? I want to take a closer look at that ducking stool.”

 

“…yeah. Course.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ryan, _stay with me_ ,” Yaz said dramatically, knocking his shoulder gently with a fist.

 

“No thanks. Didn’t really like his flirting.” Ryan rolled his eyes.

 

“But you’re still gonna keep your eye on him?”

 

Ryan laughed as the TARDIS shook around them, the strange noise that signaled their take off sounding through the room. “Felt bad for the guy.”

 

“Don’t. He’s sexist and patronizing and rude,” called the Doctor as she ran around the console. "I  _really_ did not like him."

 

“Yeah, and he kept hitting on you at the worst times,” added Graham. “Remember when he showed you his pricker?”

 

Yaz choked. “ _What?_ ”

 

“It’s not like that,” sputtered Ryan.

 

“You sure?” grinned Graham as Yaz and the Doctor laughed. “He seemed very into you.”

 

“Ryan has better taste than that,” said the Doctor. “Besides, I’ve had enough of people flirting with my friends. You think that was bad? Remind me to never introduce you lot to Captain Jack Harkness at some point.”

 

As Graham and the Doctor continued to talk about Ryan’s love life, Ryan sidled up to Yaz.

 

“Don’t think we didn’t see that hug at the lake, Yaz,” he whispered. “Good for you.”

 

Yaz felt her cheeks heat up. “Nothing happened.”

 

Ryan lifted an eyebrow. “You sure?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooooooh whats gonna happen next????? *x files theme*
> 
> seriously tho, yaz needed an intervention because she's useless at this and ive always seen the boys as well intentioned family members meddling in her business so they gave her the talk about talking to the doctor.


	9. Measure your life in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey. hey JTtrack2. dont read this chapter yet. go back to chapter six, theres a surprise waiting for you ;D
> 
> chapter title from seasons of love, from rent  
> yeah i know i already used a song from rent as a chapter title. is it lazy? maybe. do i care? nope.
> 
> oh. wait. before you read this chapter, i need to ask. do you guys think that jodie and mandip REALIZE how often they make their characters give each other bedroom eyes? like seriously, guys. this is an extremely important question and i must know the answer

Yaz tumbled out of the mirror onto her back. Winded, she lay on the rocky floor of the antizone for a second before another earthquake shook the world.

 

“Ryan!” she shouted, springing to her feet. “Ryan, you there?”

 

“Yaz!” came an echoing call. “Yaz, I’m here!”

 

Blindly, she stumbled towards the sound, hoping not to bump into any walls as the ground heaved below her. Slowly, a faint red glow grew around a corner.

 

“Ryan!”

 

He came into view, the red light from the lamp casting a ghostly glow over his features. As Yaz crashed into him, he grabbed and balanced her, remarkably steady despite his dyspraxia and the earthquakes. 

 

“Yaz, where are the Doctor and Graham?”

 

“Coming, I think. Come on, we have to get out of here.”

 

Together, they hurried back through the maze of stone, fighting against the vibrations intent on sending them to the ground.

 

“I hope you know where you’re going,” Yaz shouted over the crash of rocks colliding.

 

“I think it’s just through…here!”

 

The exit mirror burst into view, throwing light around it in a welcoming halo. They barreled through, coming out in the bedroom in Norway.

 

“Hanne!”

 

Hanne picked herself off the floor as Yaz and Ryan did. “You guys alright?”

 

“Yeah,” said Yaz. “I guess now we wait for everyone else to get back.”

 

Hanne turned her face to the wall with the mirror, blindly searching for something. “I hope my dad’s okay.”

 

“Me too,” said Ryan, throwing a longing look at the mirror as if he wanted to run back in. Gently, Yaz placed a hand on his shoulder, ready to restrain him if he did. He turned and smiled at her comfortingly. “So, what was it like for you guys in that other place?”

 

Yaz shook her head. “Tell you bout it later.”

 

Ryan shrugged, then turned back to the mirror. Several terse minutes passed before the mirror buckled, as Graham forced his way out.

 

“Graham!” Ryan threw himself at him, wrapping him in a large bear hug. Stunned, Graham slowly patted him on the back.

 

“You okay, Ryan?”

 

“Yeah. Glad to see you’re okay. Where’s the Doctor?”

 

“Coming, hopefully.”

 

“And my dad?” demanded Hanne.

 

Graham looked pityingly at her. “Yeah, him too.”

 

Yaz caught his eye and looked away, glad Hanne couldn’t see Graham’s expression. From what she had seen, Erik was not about to leave the Solitract any time soon. Not even for his daughter.

 

A hush fell over the room. Hanne made her way over to the bed and sat down, while Yaz, Graham, and Ryan clustered anxiously around the mirror, waiting for the Doctor. None of them dared to speak, opting instead to pray silently.

 

The mirror rippled again. Yaz stepped forward hopefully.

 

Erik tumbled out. Picking himself up shakily, he reached towards his daughter.

 

“Hanne.”

 

“Dad!” she shouted, barreling into him. He closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair as he sank onto the bed, holding Hanne close.

 

Yaz looked at him, dread rising in her chest. “Where’s the Doctor?”

 

He shook his head, unable to look her in the eye. “I’m sorry.”

 

Yaz’s heart dropped.

 

“What did you _do_?” she demanded, taking a threatening step towards him. Ryan and Graham quickly grabbed her shoulders.

 

“She stayed behind,” Erik mumbled into his daughter’s hair. “I couldn’t give… I didn’t… I’m sorry.”

 

Yaz felt the world shatter around her, color losing its vibrancy, heat and air sucked away, leaving a vacuum. Unable to move, she collapsed into Ryan, letting him hold her close as shock stole her thoughts.

 

Graham looked at Erik in horror.

 

“You selfish prick.”

 

Erik’s shoulders drooped beneath Graham’s revulsion, hugging Hanne tighter. Over Yaz’s head, Ryan and Graham shared a look of loss as deathly silence fell once more.

 

The Doctor had done insane, death defying feats before. She had gone missing before. And she had always come back for them. For Yaz. But this time, Yaz felt a quiet certainty.

 

The Doctor was gone.

 

Yaz had missed her chance.

 

She pushed away from Ryan. “Come on, guys. We should figure out a way to get home.”

 

Graham sighed and nodded.

 

“At least we’re on Earth,” he said with an attempt at a smile. “Imagine if she’d left us with those killer turtles!”

 

Yaz echoed his half smile, unable to laugh at his quip, then laboriously turned away from the mirror. Graham’s footsteps followed her, before stopping.

 

“Ryan, son, we should go.”

 

“Graham… the mirror’s moving again.”

 

“What?”

 

Yaz spun around, dropping into a combat position, ready to face the flesh-eating moths, or Ribbons, or-

 

The Doctor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You alright, Graham?”

 

The Doctor threw a final lever as the TARDIS took flight and peered at Graham. He’d sat down heavily on the steps to the platform as she had taken off and hadn’t moved. Yaz frowned at his back in concern.

 

Slowly, he turned and got to his feet, joining the other three. He placed a heavy hand on Ryan’s shoulder and squeezed before turning to the Doctor.

 

“Doc, you’re older than you look, right?”

 

“I’m not thirty-five, if that’s what you’re asking,” said the Doctor, raising an eyebrow. Yaz fought down a blush as the memory of her mum grilling the Doctor rose to the forefront of her mind. Ryan snickered at her, giving Yaz a knowing look. “But yeah, I’ve been around for a while.”

 

Graham nodded. “You ever been married?”

 

The Doctor stiffened. “Couple of times, yeah. Three, actually. Well, maybe four if you count - No, three, definitely three.”

 

“You don’t know how many times you’ve been married?” laughed Ryan.

 

“Oi!” the Doctor said indignantly. “I’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told Marilyn fifty times. That. Was not. A real. Church!”

 

“Marilyn,” repeated Yaz in disbelief. “Marilyn _Monroe_?”

 

The Doctor shrugged, a little self-consciously. Yaz fought down a wave of jealousy. How could she, a police officer from Sheffield, ever hope to catch the eye of someone who had married Marilyn bloody Monroe?

 

“Blimey, Doctor,” said Ryan. “You marry anyone else we know?”

 

“Queen Elizabeth,” muttered the Doctor. “But that was an accident!”

 

“How do you marry the queen of England by accident?” demanded Ryan.

 

“Also, Doc, hate to break it to you, but the queen married the duke of Edinburgh,” said Graham. “And you look nothing like him.”

 

“I used to,” said the Doctor, a little defensively. “And I’m not talking about _your_ Queen Elizabeth.”

 

“No. Way,” said Ryan in disbelief. “Queen Elizabeth the First?”

 

“I thought she was a Zygone! Big, red, sucker-y shape shifting thing!” protested the Doctor. “So, I proposed, trying to get her to reveal herself. I didn’t think the real Elizabeth would actually _accept_ , much less demand I go through with it. That was a weird day.”

 

“Did you find the Zygone?” asked Graham.

 

“Yeah. It was my horse.”

 

Silence fell as they processed this information. Then, unable to contain it anymore, Yaz laughed. As she doubled over, shaking from glee, she saw Graham and Ryan give in too. Watching the three of them, the Doctor relaxed, a smile playing over her lips as Graham wiped tears of laughter from his eyes.

 

“Blimey, Doc, you seem to have worse luck in the marriage department than anyone,” he gasped. “Were all your marriages by accident?”

 

The Doctor’s smile disappeared. “No.”

 

Yaz straightened up, all the levity of the previous moment gone. The Doctor turned back to the TARDIS, gently stroking a lever.

 

“I had a wife before I ran off in this girl,” the Doctor said quietly. “Before I had even regenerated for the first time. Seems like eons ago.”

 

“Were you two happy?” asked Yaz, equally as quiet.

 

The Doctor nodded slowly. “Yeah. Even had a few kids and grandkids.”

 

Ryan and Graham’s eyes filled with sorrow, echoing Yaz’s own. She knew they were also remembering the Doctor’s remarks when they had first met her. That her family was gone.

 

“I’m sorry, Doc,” said Graham.

 

She took a deep breath and turned to face him, hands in pockets. “It’s okay. I lost her a while ago. But I understand, Graham. I don’t know what I would have done if the Solitract had used her to get to me.”

 

Something passed between the two of them, and Graham gave a watery smile.

 

“You know, Doc, you’re absolutely brilliant, you are.”

 

She smiled, the same smile she had when they asked her to take them with her. “Thanks, Graham.”

 

The TARDIS shuddered, and the Doctor spun to correct it.

 

“Right, fam! Where to now?”

 

“Doctor,” Yaz began. She knew she probably shouldn’t dig. Especially since the Doctor had looked so sad but was back to her normal self now. But she had to know. “You said you were married four times. But you only mentioned three people. Who was the fourth? Are they still around?”

 

The Doctor paused, then shook her head. “No. No, she’s gone now.”

 

“Oh,” said Yaz. Her heart began to hope again. “I’m sorry, Doctor.”

 

“Don’t be, you were just asking,” said the Doctor, aiming a small smile in her direction. “Can’t learn anything if you don’t ask questions. You know how many I ask on a daily basis. Always more to learn.”

 

“Was she also one of your kind?” asked Ryan.

 

“No. She was human. Kind of.”

 

The Doctor pushed a button on the console and a drawer popped open. Gently, she pulled out a little blue book and stared at the cover for a second. Then, she opened it up to the first page and pulled a picture out, handing it to Yaz. Confused, Yaz took it, studying the woman portrayed. Ryan crowded into her space, curious, so Yaz handed the picture to him then looked back at the Doctor.

 

“Her name was River. River Song.”

 

“What did you mean, she was kind of human?” asked Graham, studying the picture himself.

 

“That’s a bit of a long story,” the Doctor said with a small chuckle. “But let’s just say she got exposed to the time vortex in the TARDIS early in life and it altered her DNA.” The Doctor held up her hands reassuringly as Yaz looked at her, alarmed. “Don’t worry, it won’t affect you lot like it did her. But she certainly was something.” The Doctor smiled fondly, eyes distant. “Hell in high heels.”

 

“Did you lose her recently?” asked Graham softly.

 

“Yes. And no, depending on how you want to look at it.” The Doctor caressed the blue book. “She was a time traveler, like me. Never met in the right order, so we each had journals, telling us where we were in our personal timelines. This was hers. I last saw her three years ago. But the first time we met, the first time _I_ met her, she died. And I suspect that our timelines have stopped crossing. For good.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Doc,” said Graham. “How do you do it? How can you deal with this? All this loss, all this pain, it would have driven me insane, but you’re still so…loving.”

 

Yaz studied the Doctor’s face. Feeling the scrutiny, the Doctor looked up. As their eyes met, warmth rushed through Yaz. The Doctor broke the gaze then looked at Graham.

 

“Come look at this.”

 

She walked over to the TARDIS doors and flung them both open. Outside, a wide expanse of stars blanketed the view, planets turning around them, colorful gas drifting along. Yaz crept up beside her, taking it all in as Graham and Ryan joined them.

 

“That’s the universe. The whole of time and space. And somewhere out there, River Song is dragging a younger, stupider me by the ear into an adventure.” The starlight reflected in the Doctor’s eyes, casting a glow over her skin. “It’s not over for her yet. She’s immortalized herself, scattered amongst the stars in time and space. And besides, loving her was the only truly wise thing I’ve ever done. How can I not continue to love? I’ve seen love stop and turn back time, halt armies in the middle of a battle, even raise me from the dead. River wouldn’t want me to cut myself off from that. If I did, I would betray everything she and I fought for. So, I keep going. I find new people to call my family.”

 

The Doctor caught Yaz’s eye.

 

“New people to love.”

 

The weight of the Doctor’s gaze pinned Yaz to the spot. Love pulsed through her, threatening to tear her to shreds, to build her up, to weigh her down, to keep her going. Feeling bold, feeling terrified, Yaz slipped her hand into the Doctor’s, tangling their fingers together.

 

“I love you too, Doc,” said Graham suddenly.

 

“Yeah,” agreed Ryan. “I’m honored to be your family.”

 

The Doctor smiled at them, then turned back to Yaz.

 

“You’ll always have my love,” said Yaz softly. “Now and forever, throughout time and space.”

 

The Doctor squeezed Yaz’s hand three times as they watched a cloud of dust drift serenely by, and Yaz felt a peace she had never known. The Solitract had wanted a universe, and Yaz understood why. Because this feeling, this family, this _Doctor_ …

 

She was everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STILL NO TALKING FROGS LA DEE DA DEE DA the only frogs i want to see are magical fuck frogs that cure aids
> 
> i hope you guys liked that, this was honestly my favorite chapter to write because i got to explore the doctor's vulnerable side a little more. you know, im still really in love with david tennant's doctor, mainly because while he was this amazing, incredible, enigmatic guy, he had this really vulnerable side to him. and i absolutely adored that. jodie's doctor really reminds me of ten, and i honestly don't like how we never see her be very vulnerable and i really hope that's in the cards for the next season. she never even mentions gallifrey or the time lords, something every other doctor in the new show has done. also, i loved the idea of graham and the doctor talking about the pain of losing a wife and the gang reaffirming how close they are as a family. oh, also yaz having an internal crisis and telling the doctor she loves her but the doctor is too STUPID AND OBLIVIOUS TO REALIZE IN WHAT WAY SHE MEANS is fun. hehe
> 
> have you guys been catching the references to the eleventh doctor? i put one in here and one in the updated bit of chapter six.
> 
> we're in the home stretch now, only three chapters left. everything is written and ready to go, but if you guys have ANY last requests or suggestions, get them in now before i finish this fic.
> 
> shoot me a comment or kudos, i want to know what you guys are thinking!


	10. I believe you love who you love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, hi again. i decided to upload this today so that this fic will finish by saturday the 26th. i was thinking about uploading the last two chapters together, or some other combination of the last three chapters over the next two days, but i think you'll agree: its more fun if i upload this today, a chapter tomorrow, and a chapter saturday. 
> 
> chapter title from i believe most people are good, by luke bryan. honestly, its a super wholesome song and i cried the first time i heard it.
> 
> anyway.... enjoy :D

“So, who are you, exactly?” Paltraki asked as they hiked through the creepy alien building.

 

“Like the Doctor said, my name’s Yaz,” Yaz said. “Me and Ryan and Graham, we travel with the Doctor. She likes to help out where she can, so we do too.”

 

Their footsteps echoed eerily through the halls, the only sound beside their voices and random hissing from the walls.

 

“So responding to distress calls is all in a day’s work for you lot?”

 

“Pretty much, yeah.” Yaz glanced at him. “How’s the neuro balancer helping? Remember anything else?”

 

“Bits and pieces,” Paltraki said, putting a hand gingerly to the little device. “But not much. I reckon I’ve been here so long, it’s going to take a while for my mind to straighten out.”

 

“Do you remember anything about your life?” Yaz prompted. “Family, friends, planet of origin?”

 

“It’s on the tip of my tongue,” he responded, frustrated. “Maybe if you keep talking, it’ll come back.”

 

“Sure. What do you want to know?”

 

“Do you have family?”

 

“Yeah,” Yaz said with a fond smile. “I’ve got my parents, my gran, and my annoying sister. They’re pretty awesome, even if they do get on my nerves a lot.”

 

“Families can do that.” Paltraki laughed. “How do you know the Doctor?”

 

“She saved my life,” said Yaz. “Fought off Tzim-Shaw and then accidentally kidnapped us. We’ve been travelling with her ever since. It’s been amazing, she’s absolutely brilliant.”

 

Paltraki eyed her. “And are you two…?”

 

“No!” Yaz felt her neck light up in fire. “She’s my best mate.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Yaz, go with Paltraki. It’s not safe here.”

 

“No. I’m with you. Whatever happens.” Yaz stood her ground as the room shook around them. She’d let the Doctor get into too many deadly situations by herself because Yaz wasn’t around. The Solitract. The ducking. The Thijarians. Tzim-Shaw and that crane. No more. She was around now. And she’d be damned if she walked away from the Doctor now to keep her own skin intact.

 

The Doctor opened her mouth, about to argue, then shut it again. She nodded once.

 

“Paltraki, go.”

 

“Good luck. We’ll wait for you as long as we can,” he said and ran out of the room, leaving the Doctor and Yaz with the two Ux.

 

 “Right! Okay, how are we going to do this?” the Doctor asked, stepping closer to the Ux. “I’ve never seen any race like them before. They can literally rewrite reality with their minds.”

 

“Not to state the obvious, but they’re using that to destroy the Earth,” Yaz pointed out. “How can we stop them?”

 

“Dunno.” The Doctor started running, pacing. “But we’re clever. Really clever. Think. What do we have? We have us. And they can literally rewrite reality with their minds. Right. No biggie. Maybe if I could block the signals somehow…” She trailed off as her eyes excitedly met Yaz’s, as the thought occurred to them at the same time.

 

“Neuro balancers!”

 

The Doctor pumped her fist in the air. “Yes! That could work. I just need to rewire them, so they block all signals instead of just incoming signals. But that still leaves the planets already trapped… ugh! There’s too many things to do and not enough time.”

 

“Doctor,” said Yaz. “If we take our neuro balancers off, though, does that mean we’ll be susceptible to the planet again?”

 

“Yeah. Sorry, Yaz.”

 

Yaz took a deep breath. “But it’ll save seven billion people, yeah?”

 

The Doctor nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Yaz squared her shoulders. “Right. Let’s do it, then.”

 

Suddenly, the Doctor stopped pacing and stood next to Yaz, facing the two Ux. As she felt the Doctor’s presence next to her, Yaz steadied herself. They could do this. Yaz could do this.

 

The Doctor could do this.

 

She pulled her neuro balancer off.

 

Instantly, her mind fogged, unknown screams bombarding it from every corner of her skull. Screams of pain. Screams of death. Screams of nothingness.

 

“Yaz, come on! We need to put the neuro balancers on the Ux!” an unknown, familiar voice shouted, a hand grabbing her arm.

 

She nodded, allowing the hand to pull her towards a bright light.

 

Wait. Who was Yaz?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The hand pressed something into her palm.

 

“Put it on.”

 

Acting on instinct, she lifted the device to her head, placing it gently on her brow.

 

Yaz blinked. The screams faded as memories rushed back in, fog lifting from her brain as the world shook around her with the force of five planets trying to erupt out of containment fields.

 

“Yaz. Come on.”

 

The Doctor motioned her towards the TARDIS, frantic. Nodding, Yaz darted in after her as the Doctor clapped her hands to turn on the lights.

 

“Cables. Thick ones, behind that panel. You and Andinio drag them out, loop them into the systems – very fast. If I can extend the dematerialization field…”

 

Yaz put a hand to her head, trying to steady its spinning as the Doctor ran around the TARDIS urgently. Gasping a little in pain, she turned to the panel the Doctor indicated and pulled out the cables, running up onto the platform to join the Doctor.

 

“What are you going to do?” asked Yaz, holding two cables gingerly. At the question, the Doctor paused, turning to face her, breathing hard. Yaz could feel it ghosting over her face.

 

“Telepathic circuits. If it can work for your nani’s watch, it can work for that clever lad.” The Doctor hesitated, considering her plan. “Should work. They’re small. And I’m clever.”

 

The Doctor flashed her a smile, and Yaz froze, her world shrinking down to the two of them.

 

_“Don’t keep it from her because you’re scared and end up missing out on what could happen if she feels the same.”_

 

“Wait. Doctor.”

 

“What is it?” She bounced a little on the balls of her feet, clearly anxious to continue fiddling with the TARDIS controls and get her plan into action.

 

Yaz opened her mouth. A lump rose in her throat, choking her words off. This wasn’t a good time. But then again, was there ever going to be a good time?

 

_Fuck this._

 

Yaz dropped the cables. They clattered to floor, sending vibrations through her feet as Yaz seized the Doctor’s shirt, pulling her down. Pulling her in.

 

The Doctor inhaled sharply as Yaz crushed her lips to the Doctor’s, desperately, urgently. The world ceased to exist as Yaz pulled the Doctor closer and closer, aware of only how soft the Doctor’s lips were, how warm she was, how her body pressed against Yaz’s. Fire licked through her, searing her flesh, illuminating every repressed feeling Yaz had about the Doctor, bringing it forward, pouring it into the movement of Yaz’s lips against the Doctor’s. All she cared about was this. This moment. This love. This _everything_.

 

Suddenly, the ground shook, forcing them apart. The Doctor staggered backwards into the TARDIS console, eyes wide, lips red and swollen from Yaz’s kiss, shirt bunched in the places Yaz had grabbed it. Bracing herself against the console, the Doctor raised a shaking hand to her lips, mouth working silently as she stared at Yaz. Terrified, Yaz took a step towards her. She’d never seen her at such a loss for words like this. The silence scared her.

 

“Doctor?”

 

The ground shook again, and instantaneously, the Doctor snapped back to her old self. Leaping up, she thrust the cables Yaz had dropped back into her hands and turned to the doors.

 

“Oi! Ux! Get in here!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re avoiding me.”

 

The Doctor yelped from under the TARDIS controls as her legs, the only visible part of her, jerked. From the resulting thud, Yaz guessed she had banged her head.

 

“Yaz! I thought you had gone to bed hours ago.” The Doctor gingerly emerged from the little alcove she had been working in, rubbing her head. She pulled off her welder’s mask, revealing messy hair and an innocent but pained expression.

 

“Yeah, I did,” said Yaz, folding her arms. “Eight hours ago, to be exact. Enough for a full night’s sleep. But don’t dodge the question.”

 

“You didn’t ask me a question,” said the Doctor, getting to her feet. Still wincing, she flicked a couple of switches on the TARDIS.

 

“Alright, fine,” Yaz said, narrowing her eyes at the Doctor’s back. “It’s been three days since we were on Ranskoor Av Kolos. This is the first time we’ve been alone since then. Why are you avoiding me?”

 

“Circumstantial evidence. Doesn’t mean I’m avoiding you,” said the Doctor.

 

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

 

The Doctor froze, her shoulders stiffening.

 

“Is it because I kissed you?”

 

The Doctor sighed. “Yaz…”

 

“Because if it is, I’m sorry,” said Yaz, bulldozing over the Doctor, determined to have her say. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I value you too much, as a friend and as a person, to do that to you. And I’ve been hiding this from you for a long time, but you deserve the truth. Here it is: I love you, Doctor. Not in a family or friendly way, either. In a I want to spend the rest of my life loving you way. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

 

“Yaz.”

 

“And you send really confusing signals, like one moment you act like I’m the most precious person in the world, and the next, I’m just your friend. But I had to know, I had to tell you, I -”

 

“ _Yaz_. Stop. Please, _stop_.”

 

Struck dumb by the outburst, Yaz stopped mid word. The Doctor finally turned to face her, a tortured look in her eyes.

 

“Yaz, I can’t do this.”

 

“Do what?” demanded Yaz, mouth dry.

 

“This!” The Doctor gestured between the two of them. “I just… can’t. Not again.”

 

“You don’t like me,” said Yaz quietly, her world shattering around her ears. “That’s all you had to say.”

 

“No, Yaz, you don’t understand.” The Doctor ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated, then stepped closer to Yaz. “There’s things about me that you don’t understand. Things you wouldn’t like if you knew.”

 

“Then tell me,” said Yaz, reaching out to grab the Doctor’s arm. “I want to know.”

 

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

 

Yaz dropped her hand, her eyes falling to the ground. “Is this because of River?”

 

“No.” The Doctor grabbed Yaz’s hands, holding them gently. “It’s because of you.”

 

Yaz ripped her hands out of the Doctor’s grasp. “What? Do I not deserve you or something? Are you too wise and mature to stoop to being with a lowly police officer from Sheffield?”

 

“No! That’s not it, not by a long shot. If anything, I don’t deserve you.” The Doctor ran her fingers through her hair again, musing it further. “Yaz, you don’t want me. That wouldn’t end well for either of us. I’ve got too much baggage, too many skeletons in the closet. You deserve someone your own age, someone human. Someone who can give you what I can’t.”

 

“What do you mean? You can give me everything. You’ve given me the entire universe! Who else could do that?”

 

“But I can’t give you a life,” said the Doctor quietly. She gestured to the TARDIS. “This isn’t a full life for you. You’re going to want someone to be with, someone to grow old with. That can’t be me. And someday… someday this will end. You won’t be here forever. Something will happen, something will take you away, and it will be better for both of us if you can move on from me. If there’s nothing more between us that would hold you back.”

 

“How do you know that I’ll leave,” demanded Yaz. “I don’t want to leave, I want to be here, with you, I -”

 

“ _Because something always happens_ ,” the Doctor shouted, startling Yaz into silence. “Something takes away my friends, something _always_ takes away the people that I lov-”

 

The Doctor cut herself off with a strangled gasp, collapsing against the ledge of the TARDIS console, burying her face in her hand. Yaz stared at her.

 

“Do you love me, Doctor?” she asked softly.

 

“Yaz, you’re part of the gang, of course I love you. You’re my friend.”

 

“I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it,” said Yaz. “Answer me. Please.”

 

“Yaz, I can’t.”

 

“Is that a no?”

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

“So… yes?” Yaz couldn’t keep her newfound hope out of the word.

 

“I didn’t say that either.” The Doctor sighed and scrubbed her hand across her face. Standing upright, she took Yaz by the upper arms. “Yasmin Khan. You are truly one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and I would be so lucky and honored to deserve your love. But I can’t be more than your friend. Is that alright?”

 

Yaz felt her heart slowly deflate. With a great effort, she smiled, the Doctor’s hands burning on her arms, searing their way onto her soul.

 

“Okay then. Friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what? you didnt think it was just gonna be kiss kiss fall in love, ride off into the sunset together, did you?
> 
> now accepting screams in the comments. see yall tomorrow!


	11. Rise up like glitter and gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. so yall certainly had some FEELINGS about that last chapter. hehe. i hope this next chapter lives up to the build up for you guys.
> 
> some quick notes for this: even though this is the penultimate chapter, i actually wrote this first, along with the next chapter, a couple of days after resolution aired. and you guys were so supportive with sleepovers in my bed that i kinda looked at this and went huh. i could have something here. and well... 160000 words later, here we are. obviously, i went back and edited it so that it fit with the rest of the fic, but if something seems off, i might have missed editing something out. 
> 
> also, important to note: so far, ive stayed within canon. ive fiddled with it, but ive never broken it. im still not shattering it, but i have... warped it a bit. for this, i ignored the day of the doctor after the doctors stand around the big red button. which means that gallifrey is still destroyed. if you're interested in why i chose to do this, ill explain more in the notes after the chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> chapter title from glitter and gold, by barns courtney. if you guys really want to get into my head while i was writing this, i was channeling a video set to this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHUrAvKNF8s). yeah, i know it's a marvel fan video and not doctor who. but let's be honest: yall are sitting on ao3, reading a gay fanfic. i would put good money on betting that 99% of you have seen at least one marvel movie. and it just perfectly captures the desperation i felt when the doctor confronted the dalek. 
> 
> and with that, i will see you on the other side of the chapter. enjoy :)

The fireworks burst overhead, sending shouts of joy to mingle in the air with the thundering booms.

 

“Happy New Year’s!”

 

Ryan laughed delightedly. Yaz snuck a look at the Doctor, who was standing next to him, her face lit up by the shifting colors in the sky and a bright smile. Almost as if she felt the scrutiny, the Doctor turned to look back at Yaz. Hastily, Yaz dropped her eyes to study the 2000 New Year memorabilia in her hands, hoping the Doctor hadn’t noticed her stare.

 

“You going to indulge in a New Year tradition?” Ryan whispered in her ear, nudging her suggestively with an elbow. “Go on, give her a kiss. It’ll be good luck for the new millennia.”

 

“No thanks,” she said shortly.

 

“Oh, come on, just go for it,” he said, grinning.

 

“I said no.”

 

The smile slid off his face at her curt response. Taking Yaz’s elbow gently, Ryan drew her away from the Doctor and Graham.

 

“Are you alright, Yaz?”

 

“Fine.” She resolutely met his eyes, daring him to call her out on her lie.

 

“No, you’re not,” Ryan shot back. “Did something happen between you and the Doctor?”

 

“No, nothing happened.”

 

“Yaz…”

 

She opened her mouth again to deny it, then shut it. Ryan waited patiently for her, a supportive look on his face. And then, against her better judgement, everything came spilling out as Yaz choked back tears.

 

When she had finished, Ryan stood in shock.

 

“Blimey.”

 

“Yeah. Sums it up pretty well,” Yaz said thickly, hastily wiping her eyes.

 

“What do you reckon she meant that she’s got skeletons in her closet?”

 

“I don’t know,” said Yaz. “But I don’t think it matters.”

 

“But Yaz,” Ryan said, putting a hand on her arm. “Don’t you see? That might mean she likes you back but she’s trying to protect you from something. There’s still hope.”

 

“No.” Yaz shook her head. “I think she was just trying to let me down easy.”

 

“But -”

 

“No. No ‘buts,’” said Yaz, cutting him off. “The Doctor doesn’t like me back. Period. After all her talk about the power of love, after what she said at my nan’s wedding… don’t you think if she liked me too that she would _do_ something about it? We’ve already had the talk about it being dangerous, travelling with her. I know that loving her means that that danger increases. I don’t care. And I don’t care about her past. I just want _her_ , and the fact that she turned me down proves she doesn’t want me. End of story.”

 

“No. Not end of story.” Ryan tightened his grasp on her arm. “Yaz, she’s scared. Scared of losing you. Scared of hurting you. She said it herself, she’s lost so many people. I think she’s terrified of letting you in further and then losing you. Why else would she go on about your life after you leave the TARDIS?”

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Yaz pushed down the glimmer of hope in her heart, squashing it before it got a foothold. “I told her how I felt. She didn’t want me. I’m not going to have that conversation again.”

 

Ryan held up his hands in defeat. “Fine. What are you going to do now?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Are you still going to travel with us?”

 

Yaz sighed. “It’s been three weeks since I confronted her. If I wanted to leave the TARDIS, I would have done so already. She hasn’t treated me any different. It’s like I never even said anything. And besides…”

 

There was a beat of silence, broken only by screams and shouts from drunk party goers.

 

“Besides what?” prompted Ryan.

 

Yaz sighed again. “Besides, even though she turned me down… I still love her. And I can’t leave her.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Me and a Dalek? It’s personal.”

 

Yaz shivered as she half lugged, half supported Lin’s weight back to the TARDIS. She’d never seen the Doctor look like that. She’d seen her scared, happy, angry, sad, pensive, but never that calm. A deadly, silent calm. Murderous.  

 

“Almost there,” urged Ryan, running ahead to hold the doors open. Yaz and Mitch rushed through them, depositing Lin on the floor of the console room. Mitch looked desperately at Lin’s limp form, before turning back to Yaz.

 

“Didn’t she say something about medical supplies?”

 

“Here. Move,” said Ryan as he grabbed a small kit from under the main controls. Fumbling at the clasps, he cursed under his breath. “Damn dyspraxia.”

 

“Let me,” said Yaz, pushing him aside and pulling out a pain relief medication. She pushed Lin’s hair aside, cleaned the wound as best she could, and gave her the medicine. Throwing the empty container back into the kit, she stared through the still swinging doors at the warehouse where the Doctor faced the Dalek alone. As Lin slowly stirred on the ground between them, Ryan followed Yaz’s gaze.

 

“Do you reckon we should go back in? We got Lin back to the TARDIS, she’s safe, we should go help the Doctor.”

 

The word _yes_ came to the tip of her tongue. She wanted to rush back in, to help the Doctor, who had saved their lives so many times and was obviously terrified of what this Dalek might do. She wanted to help the woman she had fallen in love with. Who had turned her down. But she shook her head.

 

“No. We should stay here, like the Doctor told us to.”

 

“Yeah, but what is here, though?” asked Lin, putting a hand to her head as she pushed herself into a sitting position. “It’s incredible. It’s… bigger on the inside.”

 

“TARDIS. Stands for time and relative dimensions in space,” responded Ryan. He grinned. “It’s our space ship and time machine.”

 

“You’re joking.”

 

“Nope.”

 

“And that thing, on my back.” Lin swallowed, visibly steadying herself. “We’ve established that that was an alien, yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” said Mitch. “Pretty crazy New Year’s Day, huh?”

 

Lin shook her head in disbelief. “No kidding.” She looked around the room again before turning back to Yaz and Ryan. “Are you two aliens?”

 

“Nah, not us,” said Yaz.

 

“Just boring old humans,” added Ryan.

 

“And the Doctor?”

 

Yaz and Ryan nodded their heads simultaneously. Looking between them, Lin lifted her eyebrows.

 

“Wow, this day can’t get any weirder, can it? If you don’t mind me asking though, what is she? How does she know so much about that thing? Where is she from? She looks so… human.”

 

There was a beat of silence as Ryan and Yaz shifted their gaze from Lin to share an uncomfortable look. Ryan grimaced.

 

Sensing their discomfort, Lin glanced from one to the other. “Sorry, should I not have asked that? I don’t really know proper protocol when meeting an alien.”

 

“No, it’s alright,” replied Yaz quickly.

 

“It’s just… we don’t actually know where she’s from,” said Ryan. “She’s never really spoken about it.”

 

“And we’ve been travelling with her and seeing all these amazing things and it just sort of never came up,” admitted Yaz sheepishly. “Never seemed like a good time to ask.”

 

Lin carefully nodded, then attempted to get up, Mitch steadying and helping her. As they walked slowly around the TARDIS, Yaz stayed seated. Now that Lin had brought it up, it seemed so obvious. How could she not know where the Doctor was from? All those late nights, talking about the universe and all the wonderful things, planets, and people in it, and yet the Doctor had never mentioned her own planet, or her own people. She’d barely told them anything personal beyond that she didn’t have family anymore and she used to be a man, whatever that meant. Yaz, Graham and Ryan had shared all their pain, all their hopes for the future, all their history, but the Doctor hadn’t reciprocated except once, to tell them about her wives. Did they even really know the Doctor?

 

How could Yaz have fallen in love with someone she didn’t know?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“It’s safe, gang!”

 

At the Doctor’s call, Yaz filed out of the TARDIS with the other humans, coming to stand at the Doctor’s shoulder. Her heart beat faster, filling her ears with the sound, like a timer ticking away the time she had left until the Dalek shot her.

 

 **“You have failed,”** the Dalek stated in a low, mechanic voice that hurt Yaz’s ears. “ **The signal is going out to the Dalek fleet. No human can stop it now.”**

 

Impossibly, the Doctor smiled. “Ah, mate, it’s your unlucky day. You’re right, no human can stop it.” She leaned closer to the Dalek conspiratorially. “But I’m not human. Go on, have a scan,” she taunted, leaning back, throwing her arms out in invitation.

 

The Dalek’s eye stalk moved up and down, presumably taking the Doctor up on her offer. **“Binary vascular system detected. Identify. Identify.”**

 

“Oh, come on, mate,” said the Doctor, dropping her arms. “You know exactly what I am. Only one species with two hearts to ever cause you this amount of trouble.”

 

**“You are a Time Lord. But the Time Lords are extinct. Explain. Explain.”**

 

A Time Lord. The Doctor was a Time Lord. With anyone else, that might have sounded pretentious, but it fit the Doctor. It completed her. Now that she heard it, Yaz couldn’t imagine the Doctor’s species having any other, more common, name. Then, the meaning of the Dalek’s next words hit her.

 

Extinct.

 

Yaz stifled a gasp. No wonder the Doctor had never mentioned her people. But the Doctor only kept smiling. A bitter, taunting smile.

 

“You know, for a scout, you really aren’t that bright, are you? Well, I suppose you really don’t have to be,” the Doctor mused, stuffing her hands in her pockets and sauntering to the edge of the TARDIS shield. “Come on mate, think. Scan your data banks. Who am I?”

 

The Dalek remained silent.

 

“No? Alright, I’ll identify.” The Doctor walked back to stand with her companions, turning slowly on her heel to maintain eye contact with the Dalek. “I fought the emperor of the Daleks and wiped out his fleet. I fought the Cult of Skaro and sent them into the void between realities. I defeated Davros when he kidnapped twenty-nine planets and I destroyed billions of Daleks in the process. I walked away from him on Skaro, as he used his last breath to scream in agony.”

 

She took her hands out of her pockets, drawing herself up to her full height. The smile had fallen away, leaving only that same deadly, calm look she had given Yaz in the warehouse.

 

“And I fought in the Last Great Time War. I saw the suffering of my people and said no more. I pushed a big, red button and ended the war. I am the Oncoming Storm. I am the Bringer of Darkness. Do you know who I am yet?”

 

A chill ran through Yaz’s spine. The room stood still, hanging on the last words, dreading the next.

 

“I’m the Doctor.”

 

The Dalek screamed. The terrifyingly high-pitched sound shattered the still air like glass, each shard piercing Yaz’s eardrums. Lasers shot out wildly from the Dalek’s arm, bouncing off the shield and deflecting through the air in every direction. Sparks flew as they crashed into walls and electric wiring.

 

**“The Doctor has identified. The Doctor is an enemy of the Daleks. Exterminate. Exterminate. _Exterminate_.”**

 

The Doctor pulled out her sonic like she was unsheathing a sword and turned slowly to face her companions. As lasers continued to stop seemingly in midair a few feet in front of her, Yaz darted a quick look at the others. Ryan stood with his mouth slightly open. Mitch, Lin, and Aaron all looked terrified. And Graham… Graham looked sad. Framed by the lasers, cast in an eerie light, the Doctor stared at them for a heartbeat. Then, she smiled. The smile that Yaz had come to cherish. A mask had slid back over the Doctor’s face, hiding the person who had frightened the Dalek, an alien _psychopath_ , so much. Now, it showed only Yaz’s friend.

 

“OI. Listen up and stop shooting everywhere, you know it’s not going to work with my shields up,” the Doctor shouted, spinning on her heel to face the Dalek again. It slowly did as she asked, the final blast echoing in the destroyed room. She let the echoes fade, leaving a tense silence before continuing. “Right, thanks for that. Now. You know who I am. Final, final, final, final, final, final, _final_ warning. Leave Earth. Don’t return. Or me and my mates will stop you.”

 

**“You cannot stop this now. Daleks will destroy Earth. Daleks are supreme. Exterminate. Exterminate.”**

 

With an exasperated groan, the Doctor turned back to her friends. “Right! I tried. I gave it a chance. Didn’t work. You lot ready?”

 

“As ready as we’ll ever be, Doc,” said Graham, pulling himself to his full height. The Doctor nodded at him, then pointed her sonic screwdriver at the TARDIS.

 

“ _Now.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive said this before, but ten is my favorite doctor. i really love how enigmatic he is, and how vulnerable he is. but i also love how he bore his guilt. ive never seen classic who (also why the doctor only refers to times in the new series when she's run into the daleks), so i came in with the doctor struggling to understand how to continue after he destroyed gallifrey. and that resulted in such a wonderful, complex relationship the doctor had with himself. and then, the day of the doctor came along. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed it, but i feel like it took away a lot of the character development the doctor had from struggling with his guilt. it felt a lot like a fix it fic. except it was canon. ugh. and since thirteen reminds me so much of ten, i wanted to see how she would bear that guilt. so thats why i chose to ignore part of canon and write this the way i did.
> 
> like i said earlier, i wrote this and the next chapter together. so that will pick up where this left off (and that's when you see yaz finally confront the doctor again). i would have posted them together as one chapter but.... at first these two chapters were about 4600 words. then i edited it. now its about 5600. yeah. i may have gone a little overboard.... but that means more for yall to read!
> 
> ill see you tomorrow! let me know what yall thought in the comments!!


	12. The worst me is just a long gone memory, thank god I'm yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! last chapter, are you excited?? i know i am, your comments over the last couple of chapters have been so encouraging and im so excited to finally share the last bit with you.
> 
>  
> 
> chapter title from yours, by russell dickerson. its a nice little circle, dont you think, naming the last chapter after the same song from the fic title?

“Where are you thinking, Doctor? Where should we go?”

 

The Doctor paused at Yaz’s words, turning around in the TARDIS doorway to face them. Her eyes glittered like gold with the possibilities as she grinned down at Yaz, Ryan, and Graham. Looking up at her, Yaz felt her heart swell with love at this beautiful, impossible, broken, wonderful Doctor.

 

“Oh, you know. I was thinking… everywhere.”

 

And with that, the Doctor darted into the TARDIS, leaving the doors open in invitation behind her. Ryan grinned at the other two before leaping after her, Graham and Yaz following not far behind. As they entered, the doors slammed with exciting promise as the Doctor flew around the center console, fingers flying as she programmed their next destination.

 

“Right! Where to first? I was thinking Barcelona. Oh, I haven’t been there in years. And I’m talking about the planet Barcelona, not the city, so much cooler.” As the Doctor spoke, the TARDIS made its familiar groaning sound as it dematerialized into the space time vortex. She tossed a few more controls, then straightened up to glance at them. “Or not. How about an asteroid? There’s one on course for collision with a proto gas planet right now, that’s sure to send out the most amazing color display. Or how about -”

 

“Doctor,” said Yaz quietly.

 

“- Mars? Oh, I love Mars. Did you know, ten thousand years ago, the Martians -”

 

“Doctor,” repeated Ryan, a little louder. She ignored them both, opting to turn back to the controls, throw a few more levers, and continue talking.

 

“-decided to… well never mind. Not Mars then. How about -”

 

“ _Doc_ ,” said Graham, finally cutting through her monologue. She froze, back towards them as she abandoned her frenzied dance. Her shoulders straightened, her head held high, unnaturally calm.  The way she had stood when Yaz confronted her about their kiss. Yaz shifted her weight uneasily.

 

“What?”

 

Graham looked at the other two for support in a cruel parody of when they had begged the Doctor to take them with her. Yaz smiled in support as Ryan nodded encouragingly.

 

“Doc,” Graham began quietly. “Are… are you alright?”

 

“Course I’m alright. I invented the word alright. I’m perfectly alright. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Because we… I’ve never seen you act like how you did with the Dalek,” said Yaz. “Because you’ve never mentioned your planet or your people before today. Because you wouldn’t tell us your history with these things before now. Because you won’t even look at us right now.”

 

The Doctor didn’t move. A silence fell, a silence of broken dreams and memories too painful to remember. A silence of personal loss, of lost hope. A silence of a vestige of a people gone forever.

 

The silence lasted forever and for only a moment, as it was shattered by an urgent beeping from the TARDIS console. Leaping back into motion, the Doctor pushed a few buttons as she looked at the monitor and the strange symbols on it. Yaz felt herself breath an inner sigh of relief at not having to break the silence herself, as Graham and Ryan traded an unidentifiable look.

 

“There’s damage in the ship from the vacuum,” announced the Doctor. “I need to go repair it.”

 

And with that, she disappeared off into the depths of the TARDIS before anyone could call her back, leaving Yaz, Graham, and Ryan alone in the console room. Ryan threw himself down on the floor, as Graham leaned against a pillar.

 

“Right. Well, _that_ went brilliantly,” said Ryan.

 

“Give her time, son,” said Graham. “I don’t think she’s quite ready to face her grief with us. Especially after running into that Dalek and not anticipating what horrible memories that would bring up.”

 

“But does she think she has to go through it alone?” demanded Ryan. “We’re her friends. She’s always been there for us. She’s always helped us. How could she think that we wouldn’t do the same for her?”

 

As Ryan and Graham continued to talk, Yaz tuned them out. Walking around the central console, she gently stroked the levers and buttons, trailing her hand along the curves like she had seen the Doctor do so many times before. Briefly, she wondered how long the Doctor had been trailing her hands along this same route. How long the Doctor had been running around, whisking humans away and showing them wonderful sights. How long the Doctor had been selflessly risking her own life to save others. How long the Doctor had had that tortured look in her eyes.

 

How long the Doctor had lived with loss.

 

_“Oh, come on, Doctor. Don’t you know how to dance?”_

A girl’s voice echoed through the room, cutting off Ryan and Graham’s conversation abruptly. Yaz guiltily snatched her hands off the console.

_“Of course I know how to dance. I’m 904, not dead,”_ a man’s voice responded.

 

“Woah, what was that?” said Ryan, clambering to his feet.

 

“Dunno,” said Graham. “Did she say ‘Doctor,’ though?”

 

Yaz ran around to join Ryan and Graham but froze when she caught a glimpse of movement on one of the wall monitors.

 

“Here!” she said. A video of a man with big ears and a leather jacket and a girl with blond hair was playing on the screen. Ryan and Graham hurried to join her.

 

_“Well, come on then. Show me some of your Time Lord moves,”_ the girl teased in a London accent. The man laughed and offered her his hand as music from the 1940s began to play.

 

“You don’t think that…” began Ryan.

 

“That’s the Doctor?” Graham finished. “Can’t be. That’s a man! And look, that can’t be the TARDIS, it looks completely different. All grungy and old fashioned.”

 

“Graham, don’t you remember though?” Yaz said. “When we first met her, and I called her ma’am, she looked so confused. She keeps mentioning how she used to be a man, too.”

 

“Yeah, but I thought she was joking, that can’t be her, can it? He looks so different from what she looks like. Look at his ears!”

 

Ryan studied the two figures moving around the screen. “Who do you reckon she is, though? She looks like she’s our age, Yaz.”

 

At his words, Yaz felt a spark of jealousy. If that man really was the Doctor, how come her Doctor had never mentioned that girl? And why did he hold her like she was the most precious thing in the world?

 

Was that girl the reason why she had rejected Yaz?

 

As they watched, the picture faded, replaced with another scene. The man and woman ran into the room, panicked. Holding a cord, the man jumped around the console while the woman followed close behind.

 

_“Rose, you’re a genius! If we can concentrate the delta wave using the TARDIS… oh, the Daleks won’t stand a chance! Here, hold this button. I’m going to hook the TARDIS up with the wave generator, be back soon.”_ He dashed back outside, the TARDIS doors slamming shut behind him. The woman, Rose, stayed, holding the button he had directed her to hold.

 

_“Doctor? Have you done it?”_ Rose called. _“Doctor?”_

 

Becoming increasingly more panicked, she called out again with no response. Yaz felt her heart start to break as she watched Rose whisked away from danger by the TARDIS, Rose screaming and begging to go back. The scene shifted again.

 

Rose stood, glowing. Daleks disintegrated around her as the Doctor gently walked to her and took her by the hand.

 

_“Rose, you have to let go. You’ve looked into the heart of the TARDIS, and no human can do that and survive. The Daleks are gone. The emperor is gone. You have to let go.”_

_“I can’t.”_

_“Sounds like you need a doctor.”_ The Doctor slowly brought Rose closer, their lips meeting gently, the glow fading from her body.

 

Yaz looked away, swallowing jealousy. She didn’t want to watch anymore. Next to her, Graham and Ryan stared at the screen, holding their breath as the scene shifted again.

 

_“Doctor? What’s wrong?”_

_“We defeated the Daleks, Rose. You and me. But I had to absorb the raw time energy.”_

_“But you’re going to be okay, right? You’re a Time Lord. You can survive.”_

Against her better judgement, Yaz darted a glance back at the screen. Rose walked slowly towards the Doctor, who was starting to glow a familiar glow, familiar lights playing across his skin. The Doctor looked at her sadly.

 

_“Yes Rose, I’ll be okay. But it’s not going to be me who walks out of this.”_

_“What do you mean? Doctor, what do you mean it won’t be you?”_

_“It’s a bit dodgy, this process. See, Time Lords have a way of cheating death. But I have to change. It’ll be me, but not this me.”_ He smiled, and Yaz felt another crack in her heart start. _“I was thinking, do you want to go to Barcelona? The planet, not the city. It’s so beautiful there, Rose, you’ll love it.”_

_“Doctor? Doctor, you’re scaring me.”_

_“Oh, Rose, you were fantastic. But you know what? So was I.”_

 

With that, the Doctor’s body was flung back, as light poured out of it, streaming into every part of the TARDIS. And when the light faded, a new man with floppy hair and no large ears, wearing the same leather jacket, stood in his place.

 

“Woah,” said Ryan and Yaz at the same time.

 

“Blimey,” yelped Graham, taking a step back. “Do you… do you reckon that’s what happened to our Doctor?”

 

“Shh,” said Ryan. “Look, it’s changed again.”

 

Now, the monitor showed that new Doctor in a pin striped brown suit and a long coat, reminiscent of the light blue one the Doctor wore now. He looked shrunken, empty, lost, with his head in his hands and no spark in his eyes. Suddenly, the TARDIS chirped and he came to life, springing around the console with renewed vigor.

 

_“No, no, no. Yes! There!”_ He looked up, his eyes suddenly filled with hope again. _“Rose. Rose, can you hear me?”_

There was a beat of silence. Then, _“Doctor?”_ Rose came into view, standing on a deserted beach.

 

He smiled sadly. _“Hello, Rose.”_

_“Doctor, what happened? How are you here? You said that the gap between worlds is closed forever.”_

_“It is. But there are still a few cracks open, and I can use those cracks to talk to you for a bit. To say goodbye.”_

_“The Daleks and Cybermen are gone?”_

_“Yes. We sent them into the void between worlds, you and I.”_

_“How long do we have, Doctor?”_ Rose’s eyes filled with tears.

 

_“About two minutes. The TARDIS is in orbit around a supernova right now. I’m literally burning up a star to say goodbye.”_

_“Doctor, I don’t know what to say.”_ As Rose took a deep breath on the screen, Yaz echoed it in the present. _“I love you.”_

_“And quite right too,”_ the Doctor responded with a small laugh. _“And, I suppose, if it’s my last chance to say it… Rose Tyler.”_

 

Rose disappeared. The Doctor stood in shock, as two single tears trailed slowly down his cheeks. Then, he turned back to the TARDIS console and began to fly away.

 

Yaz wanted to stop watching. She wanted to walk away and not intrude on the Doctor’s grief any more. But she stayed glued to the screen as she watched the Doctor meet Donna, meet the Daleks again, lose her, turn into a new man, meet the Daleks again with new companions, lose them, meet the Daleks again, and turn into a new man yet again. A white haired, Scottish man. Beside her, Ryan cried silently, hurting for the Doctor. Yaz knew he had connected the pieces about why the Doctor looked so sad when she had brought up Donna. And Graham… Graham stood with the same lost expression he had when he lost Grace.

 

_This is what she meant. When she said something always takes away the people she loved. This is it._

 

“We should go.”

 

“What?” asked Ryan, quickly drying his eyes before turning to face her.

 

“We should go,” Yaz said again. “We shouldn’t be watching this, it’s not fair to the Doctor -”

 

“Wait, look!” interjected Graham. “Look at the screen.”

 

Yaz turned back to the screen as the white-haired Doctor staggered around his TARDIS.

 

_“Well, I suppose one more lifetime won’t kill anyone. Except for me.”_ He smiled a bitter smile, the same smile Yaz had seen countless times on her Doctor’s face. _“Just you wait a moment, Doctor. Let’s get this right. I’ve got a few things to say to you.”_ He took a deep breath. _“Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly. And never ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish, and love… is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind. Oh! And you mustn’t tell anyone your name. No one would understand it anyway… except children. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor…”_ He paused for the last time, visibly steeling himself. _“I let you go.”_

 

With the same burst of light, the Doctor staggered backwards as the TARDIS absorbed the blast. When the light faded, smoke trailing through the air, there stood the Doctor. Their Doctor. Yaz’s Doctor. She stood in shock. Wearing that overlarge suit she had worn when they had first met her, breathing heavily, she ran her hands gingerly over her face, then said –

 

“That’s enough.”

 

Yaz, Ryan, and Graham spun around in surprise as the picture on the monitor blacked out suddenly. Standing in the entrance to the hallway leading to the rest of the TARDIS was the modern Doctor, with an unreadable, ageless look on her face.

 

Graham recovered first. “Blimey, Doctor, how long have you been standing there for?”

 

“Since you saw me wipe Donna’s memory.” The Doctor walked over and joined them on the central console platform. “It seems the TARDIS made up some damage in another part of the ship so she could show you this without me interfering.”

 

 “How could we see all of that?” asked Ryan. “Is the TARDIS recording us?”

 

“She’s not recording, no. Not exactly,” the Doctor said. “Think of it more as the Earth. When you’re on the surface, it seems flat. But when you look at it from above, you can see everything. We only see our linear, flat timeline. The TARDIS is a time machine. She sees everything. She can show you what happened in the past inside of her, and in the future. Wibbly wobbly timey wimey, as my sand shoe self would have put it. The surface timeline is quite small. But it’s bigger on the inside.” She smiled. “Time Lord technology.”

 

“Doctor, we’re so sorry, we shouldn’t have -” began Yaz. But the Doctor placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, shaking her head.

 

“No, it’s alright. The TARDIS is right. I wanted to protect you from this. But I should have known it would come back to haunt me no matter what. You should have known about this stuff a long time ago. Who I am. What I’ve done. How many people are dead or worse because of me. What happened to...”

 

The Doctor paused. Then her shoulders fell in as her walls seemed to collapse around her. Her gaze sank slowly, her eyes full of heaviness and the weight of the world.

 

“Gallifrey.”

 

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. “What’s Gallifrey?”

 

The Doctor stayed silent for so long, Yaz thought she wasn’t going to answer.

 

“Galifrey was… my home.” The Doctor paused again. Letting out a long sigh, she turned to look them in the eye again. “And I destroyed it. Over 4.6 billion children, dead. Because of me. Because that was the only way to stop the Time Wars. To keep the Daleks and the Time Lords from destroying the entire universe. I had to annihilate everyone I ever knew, to save the people I didn’t. I’m a monster. I’m a hypocrite. Graham, I told you not to kill Tzim Shaw, yet I have more blood on my hands than Hitler.”

 

“But, Doc, you’ve saved so many people,” Graham pointed out. “You don’t even use guns. I was going to kill for revenge, for the wrong reasons. You saved everyone. We’d all be dead without you.”

 

“Or maybe not. There should never be a right reason to kill. Maybe Grace would still be alive without me. Without my meddling.” The Doctor sighed. “But I suppose we’ll never know, will we.”

 

Yaz’s heart completed the break, shattering in two for this shattered woman. “This is what you meant, didn’t you,” she said quietly. “When you said there’s things I don’t know about you. Things that I wouldn’t like. Why you don’t deserve me.”

 

The tortured look the Doctor had given her that night reappeared on her face. “You deserve so much more than a freak like me. A freak who doesn’t have a time or a place. The last, lonely remnant of a once powerful race. Do you believe me now?”

 

“ _No_ ,” said Yaz, seizing the Doctor’s hand off her shoulder and clutching it desperately between her own. “I don’t believe you. I’d never believe that. You’re still the most amazing person I’ve met. After all that, after everything you’ve lost to them, and you still offered that Dalek a chance to run. To live. You still want to save Earth, to save millions and billions of people. What you’ve been through… it would have turned anyone else’s heart to stone. But not you. You still care so much. How could I not have fallen in love with you?”

 

The Doctor stared into Yaz’s eyes, lips parted slightly, lost for words. Her hand burned between Yaz’s, heat emanating from it, coursing through Yaz’s body, warming her, holding her. Filling her with so much love, Yaz felt like she would burst from holding it in. The world fell away, leaving her only capable of staring back at the woman she loved, the woman she knew.

 

And suddenly, the Doctor was pulling her in.

 

Yaz’s hands were crushed between their bodies as the Doctor pressed forward, desperately capturing Yaz’s lips with her own, reaching up to the nape of Yaz’s neck to bury her fingers in her hair. Flames roared back to life in Yaz, sweeping away every doubt she’d ever had, sweeping away everything except the Doctor. Time faded to nothing. Space was meaningless. All she could do was copy the frantic, hungry movements of the Doctor’s mouth, hold on tighter to the Doctor’s hand, the only thing keeping her afloat in the storm of fire.

 

The only important thing in the entire world.

 

Breathing hard, the Doctor pulled back slightly, breaking the kiss to lean her forehead against Yaz’s. Her hand moved from Yaz’s neck to her cheek, caressing it gently with her thumb. Yaz squeezed her eyes further shut, unwilling to look around, to break this impossible moment, to wake up and realize this was just another dream.

 

“I never told Rose I loved her,” the Doctor whispered. “After everything we went through, everything we did, and I never said it. I was too scared to lose her. And I lost her anyway.” The Doctor sighed, her warm breath ghosting over Yaz’s face. “I won’t make that same mistake with you.”

 

Haltingly, Yaz’s brain rebooted as she processed the Doctor’s words. _She loved Rose, of course she loved Rose, how could she not, she never told her, okay, but she’s not making the same…oh._

_Holy shit._

 

“Well. Good luck getting rid of Yaz now, Doc.”

 

The Doctor laughed lightly and stepped away from Yaz. Reluctantly, Yaz opened her eyes, missing the Doctor’s warmth. Graham grinned triumphantly at her.

 

“As if I’d want to, Graham,” said the Doctor, throwing some switches on the TARDIS.

 

“Do you mind if we still third wheel, though?” asked Ryan. “I promise I’ll keep the teasing to a minimum as long as you two do the same for the public kissing.”

 

“It’s a deal,” the Doctor told him with a wry smile. He grinned back at her.

 

Yaz placed her hand over the Doctor’s on a lever, holding it in place. “Still think something’s going to happen? That I’m going to ever willingly leave you?”

 

The Doctor met Yaz’s eyes. Gently, she flipped her hand around, tangling their fingers together.

 

“Never.” She used her other hand to throw a few more switches, hesitating right before pulling the last control. “Do you want to do it together?”

 

Yaz looked from the Doctor to the TARDIS, and slowly grinned.

 

“Together.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a note on the pronouns: if i was referring to a past doctor, i used male pronouns. if i was referring to the present doctor, i used female. i hope that was clear. i would have put it in the beginning note but... spoilers ;)
> 
>  
> 
> wow. i cant believe this is it. i want to thank each and every one of you who have left a kudos or a comment. i saw each and every one, and they seriously made my day and helped me to continue writing this. and im really not joking when i say that. this was the longest thing i have ever written, let alone completed, so knowing that people are invested and want to know what happens helped churn this out in seriously record time for me. 
> 
> i really hope you guys liked this ending. i know i loved writing this. i forgot how much fun writing can be. that being said, don't expect too much more from me guys, sorry. school's starting back up on monday, im taking 18 credits, lambing and foaling season is fast approaching, and i dont know how much time ill have to write. i hope i can get a couple of one shots in, but im going to be so overwhelmed and there certainly wont be anything else on this scale. i mean, we have our first three ewes due on the 11th, and its all just down hill from there. but if you guys want to leave prompts for me, i promise ill try to get to them. it might actually help to force me to set aside time to write if i know you guys really want something done. 
> 
> come follow me on tumblr at valarmorghulis-butnottoday if you want to continue screaming at me. i will 100% love screaming back at you.
> 
> thank you again so much for making it down this far. ill give one last plea for a kudos or comment, because i really do want to know how you guys liked this.
> 
> i love you. bye!


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